Your Eyes, Shining
by Hari-Aisu
Summary: Memories... memories are like shooting stars fading quickly like bursts of fire within your hands. Anger, sadness, happiness; all these emotions are tied by what we remember. And even the most important of things can be forgotten in a fit of distress...
1. Like Sweet Lullabies and Old Goodbyes

A.N: ... ... ... SURPRISE!

O.O;

o.o;

-.-;

Yeah. Lol. Um... um... this isn't multichaptered! *Ducks* Uh... please don't hurt me. Lol. Hopefully I don't get scolded for this... but I've been working on this for awhile. It was kind of my 'if you can't think of anything else for your other stories, work on this!' project. And my, oh my, did I work on it. ^.^ It rivals "Fall For You" in being my longest one-shot written, but since I broke up FFY into 3 parts, I don't know if it can still count as a one-shot... ... ... So, here's the winner! XDI just couldn't find a suitable way to divvy this up without it becoming choppy... yeah. This one-shot is definitely different. A/U, different aspects of character's personalities being explored, vignette-style scene breaks, random time-lines along with a vaguely confusing storyline if you don't read it all the way through-

Whoever dares read this story has been forewarned. Yays. Lol.

This was, again, inspired by one of my favorite movies in all time, but I doubt anyone will be able to guess which one since this story's plot has nothing to do with the storyline of the movie... blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I like to yammer on. ^.^ Thinking about it now, though, I think I'll make this into a challenge, actually. The first person who can actually guess which movie I'm talking about after reading this story (there ARE obscure references to the movie if you know where to look for them!) will get a one-shot/mini-story dedicated to them in response. I don't know if that'll motivate anybody to look, though... LOL.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, if you can't tell. CAN'T YOU? CAN'T YOU TELL? Why even wonder?! *sniffle* Honestly... pour the salt over the wound already... *tear*

Anyways, on with the fic! ((And if you can tell me what you think about it afterwards, all the better! XD))

***Side Note Added Sept. 22, 2009**: After looking through my little one-shot of wonders, I've decided rather spontaneously on my part (as I'm prone to being, if you can't tell, darlings) that this fic would definitely benefit from a bit of a makeover. Splitting this up, along with some add-age and some good ol' editing, I think, would make this easier to read for a lot of people. That, and I think I can definitely expand this. ^.^ Hopefully you'll guys will take to this re-vamped version as well as you did the original, and for those of you who may just have stumbled upon it, then cookies for you! Hope you enjoy! XD I'm gonna keep the original's A/N, just so I can remind myself just how much of a douche I can be to myself with my half-assed promises...

* * *

_"I hold it true, whate'er befall;_

_I feel it, when I sorrow most;_

_'Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have love__d at all."_

_**-Alfred Tennyson**_

* * *

_**Title:**__ Your Eyes, Shining_

_**One:**__ Like Sweet Lullabies and Old Goodbyes_

* * *

(_It was your eyes that did it… shining so brightly against the dull aftermath of what life had to offer in a span of milliseconds._)

* * *

_It was like wading through thick waters, yet not being able to pull yourself out at all. _

_Choking you; _killing _you-_

_But still feeling every bit alive as every sensation became magnified under the cloak of heavy, heavy darkness. _

_This pit would consume him if he kept pulling himself back under. _

_But he _refused _to let go-_

* * *

L sighed as he tore off his hat from the top of his head, looking a bit lost as he stared around at the dismal surroundings of the old train station he had been inhabiting for the last hour and a half. Dark blue eyes squinted as the light breeze of the dying ends of autumn crept around his ears, the skin tinted a bright red against his already milky-white complexion.

'Today of all days I just _had _to be late…' Shoving his gloveless hands into his short trench's pockets, the jean-clad misanthrope barely snarled as he turned his head slightly and mistakenly caught another man's flighty gaze on a whim.

Caramel-brown eyes widened as L blinked in astonishment, a wave of immediate familiarity striking at him when he least expected it. The attractive stranger suddenly grinned after a second of continued staring, his eyes twinkling with unbridled delight as the gorgeous man then brought his hand up to wave over at him.

L hesitantly returned the wave before the glass-shattering whistle of a train (**_his_**_ train_) broke his concentration and whipped his ticket right out, almost immediately forgetting about the waving young man with the gorgeous smile as he got right on board. L walked with a slight slump as he re-adjusted the knapsack slung across his waist, not noticing as the same boy he had been admiring just seconds before ran after him with a ticket of his own held tightly in his left hand, that smile only stretching as he boarded the same train as the person before him…

* * *

_Bits and pieces..._

_All he remembered were bits and pieces. _

_Never full fragments. _

_Only snippets. _

_Yet still, in the farthest reaches of his mind, there was something waiting to be uncovered. _

_A memory? _

_A wish? _

_What could it be that haunted him so...?_

_Before he could he even seek his answer-_

_The Darkness ensnared him within its arms once more. _

* * *

"Hi."

The dark-haired writer's hand paused in its fervent scribbles as a smooth tenor voice broke its smooth flow, the beautiful stranger's satisfaction at the concentration ebbing away from the man who had been writing palpable within the air. Ignoring the tensing atmosphere, the outsider slung over the chair in front of L continued to speak without any acknowledgement whatsoever.

Feeling both uncomfortable and slightly agitated all at once, navy-blue eyes glanced up, shaded by stringent lashes and sloppy fringe which was immediately brushed away by ink-stained fingers.

"Huh?"

A young man with light brown hair and an easy going smile sat propped up by the train's reclining seat as he laid his arms down on the top of the slopping material and propped his head on his hands. A wooly red scarf peeked in from underneath his chin, the earthy colors of both the seat and the man's complexion drowned out by the deadened scenery the small car had to offer, even as the smile set upon his face continued to brighten with each passing second.

"I just said hi is all. Nothing life changing, if that was something you were wondering. Looked like you were deep in thought, or something." The man smile became all the wider if possible.

"H-hello then..." Fidgeting with the tiny notebook that lay slanted on his lap with his now shaky fingers, the paler of the two ducked his head down and pulled his legs closer to his person, not sure what it was he should say to the semi-unwelcome disruption of his writing. "Um... is there... something that you need?"

"Nope." Ducking behind the chair's small recline only to pop back up on the other side just a second later, a slim figure dressed in a chocolate brown pea coat along with light blue jeans hoisted themselves into the seat next to the anxiety-ridden person he had just barely met and gave him another dazzling smile. "I saw you at the train station. I waved, remember?"

"... I... guess?"

"What's your name?" Without giving any further explanation on why he had waved or why he had even invaded his personal _space_, the dark-haired man with ink stains covering his fingers and palms hesitated for a moment, the slightest bit intrigued.

"L." Dark lashes lowered as L's cheeks began to flush without his consent, leaving splotches of red to radiate against the pale white complexion of his skin. "And no jokes about my name, please. I didn't pick it, my parents did."

"Wait, you mean like the author?" The boy ignored the strained attempt at comedy, seeming all the more excited as L meekly nodded in answer to his question. At the tell-tale crimson-red staining his face, L sat back wondering if there was _any_ way to escape the doom that was his career. "I've heard about your books, though I've never read any myself! Some crazy murder-mystery tragedies, right?"

"Uh… yeah." L wondered why he was so disappointed that this boy had never read any of his books. "So, may I ask who I am speaking with?"

"Sure! Though I'll have to ask that you don't make any jokes about my own name as well."

"Which is...?"

Milk-chocolate brown eyes narrowed as L's opaque gaze widened with each passing second.

"Light."

"Li-Really?" Rolling his eyes, Light made a flamboyant gesture with his hands as he attempted to cover his still-born smile. "Laugh at my name, and I'll laugh at yours, girly-man."

"Our parents must have been related, or best friends to have cursed us both with horrible names, then." L just about melted as the buttery laughter that erupted beside him warmed his insides to the core, alighting his hands with the comfort that he had neglected to give them in forgetting his gloves. "It's strange to say, but I feel as if we've met each other before today."

"Maybe, maybe not, right? Who really knows…" Poking the shaky-smiled passenger beside him, Light swung his feet forward as he drooped down into the chair. "Soooo... now we're fully introduced, right? Mind telling me what you are writing about?"

"... ... I don't know about _that_." L admitted to the man, the smile on his face becoming all the more sincere. Leaning in only a bit (_he was not nearly as bold as the flippant brunette beside him was_), the dark-haired author squinted his eyes as he gave Raito a slightly more thorough stare. "Are you sure we've never met before?"

"Pos-_itive_." Raito began to try to peek over his shoulder, only to be met with black leathery cloth and pale skin. "Aw... can't I just take a quick glance?"

"I don't-"

"I won't judge!"

"It's not-"

"I'm a really good critic!"

"I just-"

"I promise not to _bi-te_..."

"Here." The blush on L's face intensified as the man gave the same silky laugh as before, shoving the notebook into his hands in a rather unfit flurry of crimson gloves and fingers. "Just don't-"

"Laugh?" Raito flicked the page and ended on a dry stance, his hazel-brown eyes solely concentrating on the words in front of them. "I'll try."

"Yeah..."

* * *

_Once upon a time, there was a boy._

_He was a very smart boy, and even at the tender age of four, everyone seemed to admire his genius in all its forms. Though much to the boy's chagrin, his intelligence came at a price._

_His parents, though once loving, had passed away at a very young age, leaving him orphaned and alone._

_At first, the boy had been lonely, going from orphanage to orphanage on account of his intelligence and blunt nature._

_He wasn't like the other good little children, they would say, who did as they were told with no questions asked. How did he expect to be adopted and taken into a good home if he couldn't even behave like a normal child?_

_The boy did not know, and frankly, did not care._

_He knew he was different, and though spurned, was indifferent to the hostile glances others threw his way. Reading became his escape and puzzles were his best friend._

_The boy did not become attached to anyone._

_The boy did not speak unless spoken to._

_He was like a statue, only moving when told to._

_Yet, people found reasons to hate him regardless._

"**_He's so weird looking!"_**

"**_He never talks to anybody… not that they would want him to! He's so creepy!"_**

"**_All he does is reads his stupid books and stares at a bunch of papers all day!"_**

"**_Freak…"_**

"**_Mute idiot…"_**

"**_He's never going to be anyone worth knowing…"_**

_The boy was not hurt by the comments, as others might have been, but wondered what it was about him that made him so despicable._

_It haunted him day after day, even more than the actual comments. Why did others seem to hold such a grudge against him when he did nothing to incite their wrath?_

_What could it be about his solitary being that provoked nothing but… hate?_

_It became a new puzzle._

_Something to obsess over as the years stacked themselves up one by one, flying by in what seemed like seconds at a time. The boy focused all of his energy into himself, so that everything else didn't seem so black and white, or good and evil, but… different none the less._

_He was the gray spot in between that no one wanted to comprehend._

_Until one day, the boy's carefully constructed world came crashing down…_

_And he was forced to face the one thing he had always avoided in his eleven years of life-_

**_Himself._**

* * *

"That's..." Raito's frown seemed to be as attractive as his smile, though slightly less so if only because it made L so poignant to see. "I don't know if I want to say it was just plain sad or insightful. Kids really are pretty cruel, especially when they don't realize otherwise…. and here I thought I'd read something close to a happy story with the way you were guarding the darn notebook."

"Yeah..." L shifted awkwardly within his seat as the train's motion nearly threw him off the chair and onto the dirty floor. "Do I really look like that kind of writer? A secret wannabe happy-story kind of guy?"

"No." Raito answered unapologetically, still staring down at the page opened in front of him. "But you look like you really, really wanna be."

'_I do. I really, really do_.' A voice whispered into L's ear, sounding strangely like his own voice.

"Were you raised in an orphanage?" The boy bluntly asked without reservation, still holding onto L's notebook as if his life depended on it.

"That obvious?" The writer deadpanned as Light gave him a side-ways glance out of the corner of his eye, the bright color of the scarf bringing out the shade of his unblemished skin and bright mocha-brown eyes.

"It might've been short," Light murmured smoothly, all but whispering the words into his companion's still-red ears, "but the emotions in it just seem too real to be faked, is all."

"Well, it's not at all… relevant, anyway." Plucking the notebook out of the man's hands, L laid the thick piece of binding against his coat-clad stomach and glanced out the window, not noticing the saddened look twisting within Raito's caramel-colored eyes. "I don't usually let people read what I write in my personal time."

"Really? Then why write it if no one's ever going to read it?"

"Just because." L slowly brushed his fingers against Light's own hand as he pulled the journal out from under his grip, relishing in the small bit of contact. "Is that wrong?"

Light's lingering smile and mysteriously troubled gaze haunted L for the rest of the train ride, making him put away his pen and stroke the outward cover of the notebook, not sure why he felt like he had just missed something extremely…

_Important._

* * *

_He didn't want to be here anymore._

_But what could he do?_

_This place..._

_Was all he knew now._

* * *

"Why, why, why, _why_ the **_fuck_** would he do this to me?!"

"L, _calm_ the fuck _down_-"

"Calm down?!" L Lawliet nearly threw the stress ball he had been cradling within his tightened fist at his blonde friend just as the younger boy ducked behind the couch. "My boyfriend went and moved himself out of our house _without me even noticing_ and has left the fucking _country_ for who knows how the hell long and you want me to _calm down_?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE COULD BE OR IF HE'S EVEN _SAFE_, MIHAEL! SO DON'T MIND ME, IF I'M A LITTLE OVER THE _EDGE_!"

"You've always known that Light was the impulsive type!" Mihael almost squealed as the ball flew over his head, missing it by three centimeters. "I'm sure he's… fine?"

"Fine? Fine would be if he was here, _with me_." Waving the letter over his head, L kicked the chair next to him, not even flinching as it folded over the table and clashed onto the floor. "Don't _tell _me he's _FINE _when I'm ABOUT TO GO OUT OF MY MIND!"

"Pump your breaks, kiddo!"

"Why would he leave me, Mihael?" L seemed to be breaking, if not showing so outwardly. "Was I _so_ terrible to him?"

"Of course not! You were… you were… well…" Backing away from the unraveling writer before he threw another random object at his head, Mihael threw up his hands and sweat dropped. "You just haven't really haven't been all that… _there_, lately."

"_There_? **_There_**?!" L threw himself down at the stairs, head lying down on the wall as he covered his face with his arm. "I haven't been all _there_?! I've been doing all that I could to finish my book just so that we could, we could-You know what?! I don't have to explain myself to you!"

"You're right." Mihael quietly agreed, shushing the redhead that had just entered the room with a speculative look scribbled all over his face. "You don't. But don't you think you should have at least explained it to _Light_? You know how he is, L. Impulsive, reckless, spontaneous, stubborn... huh. No wonder we get along so well."

"But… **_fuck_**!"

"We know you're hurt but… maybe this is for the best, right? You've always said that writing comes first for you… so… here you go."

"That's not-my writing was… is that why he left? Please, just… _was_ I really that fucking horrible?"

Mail and Mihael were quiet as L dropped onto the floor and held his head within his hands, trying to at least keep some semblance of his being together.

'He's gone… He's really, really gone…'

And what was worse…

He didn't even get a chance to say _goodbye_.

* * *

_This void…_

_It was almost too much to stand. _

_What was worse-_

_For some reason he could not fathom, he didn't want to leave it. _

_What was it that tied him to this place…?_

_

* * *

_

(It was the happiness glowing within you… so overwhelming against the dead misery I secretly held inside.)

**_

* * *

_**


	2. Wishes Falling Like Shooting Stars

A.N: Yay. Next chapter. ^.^ Some tiny revisions on this part along with some add-age on the story's whole structure were done to better read this, but I guess if you never read the original, it doesn't really matter...

I'm kind of glad that I split this up, since now I can answer any questions people might have on certain parts a lot better than I could have done so before! So, if you're confused or just have a general question about the story that you want to ask, let me know! I know these first couple of parts are essentially a bit confusing to read, but it's done so for a reason! Thanks for reading, you guys, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter! :D

* * *

_"I hold it true, whate'er befall;_

_I feel it, when I sorrow most;_

_'Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have loved at all."_

**_-Alfred Tennyson_**

**_

* * *

_**

_**Title:**__ Your Eyes, Shining_

_**Two: **Wishes Falling Like Shooting Stars_

_

* * *

_

_(It was a simple testament written on my heart… it brought me back to life.)_

* * *

"HEY!" L called out as he beeped his horn, his other hand gripping the steering wheel with clenched fingers and sweaty skin.

Light whipped around in surprise, the tiny silver car appearing dark gray under the night sky and old traffic lights. Cinnamon-brown hair flew around the chiseled features of his face as the wind played against the boy's body, giving him an attractively disheveled look.

"Do you need a ride?!" The usually-timid man surprised even himself at the sudden neediness to have the other man close to him as the gorgeous young male (_whom he didn't even know if he had a chance with, mind you_) smiled and bounded to the car without hesitation.

"Thanks." Light murmured as he closed the car door behind him, the smile brightening even as L slightly shifted away from the nymph-like stranger with a shaky smile of his own. "I would think you were a stalker, but since you're so damn quiet and non-responsive, I'll just assume you're a homicidal sexual-deviant instead and hope I don't become a victim."

"What?!"

"Did I say something to offend?" Light snickered as L attempted to stifle his own grin under an unsuccessful frown, knowing that there was no real arguing with the jokester riding alongside with him. "Do you want me to apologize?"

"How about you just tell me where your apartment is and we'll go from there?"

"_Splen_-did!"

"Has anyone commented on how flamboyant you act?" L muttered under his breath, his heart beating erratically against his ribcage. Light smirked in response before his lips parted in amusement, another snarky comment just ready to be shot without hesitation.

"Well, considering that I am a fairly stylish man-queen, I'll take that as a compliment. Just don't expect me to don my pretty pink sparkly heels quite yet, since I've forgotten them in my apartment right next to my totally masculine girdle. Which I've proven can totally be considered mannishly stylish, by the way." Light burst out laughing as L almost swerved into the sidewalk, giving him wide-eyed glances on the side. "Oh, you can turn left at the next traffic light while you're at it."

"… … I think that is _the _most inventive way someone has ever told me they were gay… while not exactly outing themselves and conveniently spurting something random at the end of said non-outing." L nodded to himself, not sure if he should be jumping for joy or laughing himself silly at his outrageous luck so far. "I give you kudos."

"A-thank you." Giving the man in the driver's seat a rather over-the-top wave of his hands, Light smirked as he bowed his head in mock-satisfaction. "I do what I can for the good of myself, of course."

"I'm sure." Decaying buildings along with flickering street lights trailed after the old car speeding forward, the passengers inside both relishing in the other's company with ongoing banter that seemed to liven up the atmosphere between them.

As L laughed at something Light said (_later on, he wouldn't be able to say just what it was that made him so capricious with happiness_), the cheeky brunette turned to stare at the writer with a reckless abandon and starving nostalgia that the dark-haired driver missed entirely before turning slightly to the side, just about to open his mouth to speak-

Warm lips cut him off before he could say a word, stealing the breath from his lungs for all of two seconds before the air was returned back to his body.

Wide dark eyes quickly returned back to the road as a dark rose-pink dusted itself over L's cheeks.

"There's my stop! You can drop me off right there!" Light pointed at a small apartment complex directly in front of them on the right side of the road, L slowing down in a bit of a blur as he was still dazed from the impact of Light's small peck on his lips.

"You should come over next week." The man suddenly announced before opening the car down and stepping out, one foot still inside the car as the other dangled over the sidewalk.

"… … You're inviting me into your home after just having met me and then accusing me of being some sort of criminal of the sexual nature and then… kissing me?" L wondered if, maybe, he wasn't the only person in the vehicle with problems in the head. "Isn't that, I don't know… stupid?"

"Well, if you were going to attack me, I figure you would have done so already… unless that's your _plan_…" Laughing at the mortified look on L's face, Light closed the door behind him, still peeking over the open car window. "Lull me into a false state of security and then BOOM! Next thing ya know you're defecating over my charred, chopped up remains in your dingy, kind of hippy-looking apartment. I've seen through _your_ plan, _Mister_…"

The blue-eyed writer blinked before silently bringing up his thumb and chewing on aforementioned digit.

"Uh… does that… mean you don't want me to come see you, now?"

Light rolled his eyes as he plucked L's cell-phone from out of his pocket (_how he knew it was in _that _pocket, L would like to know_) and punched in a series of numbers before snapping it closed. "There ya go! Call me whenever you like, ok?!"

"… Like… _now_, perhaps…?" L dumbly responded, holding his phone with a grip only a germ-aphobe would appreciate.

Peals of laughter echoed around them as the empty street was tinkering with peaking echoes and caustic steps made against the heavy cement sidewalk. Waving over his shoulder, Light gave his newfound companion a rather coy smile before opening the door and strutting inside the complex, not looking the least bit worried.

L tried to pretend that the smile on his face wasn't one made out of excitement…

But even _he_ couldn't make up a lie clever enough to excuse the cherry red cheeks and twittering hands that accompanied the expression set on his lips. It was…

_Magical._

_

* * *

_

Series of moments passed him by in mere instances-

_But he couldn't hold onto them. _

_They were slipping…_

* * *

"I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this."

Pacing in his (_theirs, it was supposed to be __**theirs**_) living room, his eyes glistening with foreign tears, L continued to bite onto his thumb with relentless gnaws. Picking up his cell-phone from the small table that sat in the middle room (_the one Light had picked out after days and days of debate_), L attempted to once again call the number he had been dreading to dial for almost two weeks.

One ring became two.

Two then became three.

And…

Then there was the message.

"_**The number you are trying to call is no longer in service. Please hang up and dial again."**_

He almost didn't want to believe it.

But there it was.

Looking down at the phone, the writer almost dropped to the floor, the intensity of the gaze unrelenting.

'No…'

Ring after ring, dial after dial, L received the same response.

"_**The number you are trying to call is no longer in service. Please hang up and dial again."**_

Each time L dialed, it was the same voice that struck up on the other line.

"_**The number you are trying to call is no longer in service. Please hang up and dial again."**_

With each rabid punch of the keys, L's temper threatened to consume him whole.

"_**The number you are trying to call is no longer in service. Please hang u-."**_

Flinging the phone away from him, the dark-haired writer dropped his body onto the floor as the sharp crack of the small machine smashing against the wall satisfied part of his anger, only to be overcome by the intense misery that was building up within his throat.

"Light…" The overcome author simpered, not knowing what else to do. "Please… come _home_ to me _please_…"

* * *

_Slipping away. _

_Just like-_

_Grains of sand through his fingers;_

_Or clear water pouring over his hands. _

_It was-_

* * *

"I met someone last week." L muttered, his eyes narrowed onto the teacup sitting on the table just in front of him.

Mail nearly tripped over his shoelaces as he got up to go to the bathroom, not quite expecting the random admission.

"Really?" Looking over his shoulder to make sure that Mihael was still in the kitchen, Mail gave him a small thumbs-up. "Were they drop dead sexy along with a good portion of _caliente_, my friend?"

"Scalding, actually. Too hot to be _touched_." The dry response coupled with the equally dry smile made the redhead snort in amusement, not having seen this side of his friend in a long, long time. "They introduced themselves to me quite suddenly while I was in a train returning from New York. It was… startling."

"What's her name?"

L's cheeks turned bright red, seemingly on command.

"… Uh…"

"_Oh…_" Mail winked over at his friend before giving him another lame thumbs-up. "So what's _his _name?"

"… … His… his name is Light."

Both men jumped up in shock as Mihael came crashing in, bashing his knee on the carpeted floor. Mail hurried over to his boyfriend and helped him up, covering his own shell-shocked face on the crook of his neck.

"Are you alright?" L queried, concerned by the sudden silence of the room. "That looked like quite a nasty fall."

"Yeah. I'm fine." Mihael chuckled quite flakily as he brushed his boyfriend off of him and sat down on the couch adjacent to L's seat. "So… you met a cute boy, huh? Sounds like he _must_ be dreamy if he's managed to catch your attention, all things considered."

"Yes." L cleared his throat as he pulled his legs up and buried his now burning face against his knees. "Yes, he is."

* * *

_Inevitable, really._

* * *

"He sent me a letter." L muttered, tossing the aforementioned envelope onto the table so that his friend could see it. "You read it."

Curled silvery-white hair bounced against dark-brown eyes as Nate shook his head, brushing imaginary dirt off of his pristine white dress-shirt. "I'm not going to do that for you, L. In fact, I refuse to be put in the middle of this in any way whatsoever."

"I'm not asking you to be in the middle…" L huffed out a breath as he gave his friend a bland glare. "There's no choosing sides here, Nate, I just can't read it. _Please_."

"Yes, you ca-"

"Nate, either you do this for me, or I'm leaving." The older man's face barely twitched as the younger of the two sighed in irritation, his light hair almost illuminating under the blaring lights of his apartment.

"… Fine. Give me the damn letter and stop being so freaking dramatic." Nate snarled as he tore the piece of paper from L's hand and took a glance down at the neat, precise print set onto the lined mass of white and blue. "With _that_ temper, it's no wonder why he left…"

"Nate!" The strong scold barely made the other twitch in reproach as he kept on reading, dark brown eyes roaming over the page emphatically.

"Oh, did I say that out loud?" Twirling a curly lock of platinum-white hair with his index finger, the English teacher rolled his eyes without once looking up at what he was sure was a glare of death and destruction. "_Sorry_. Now shut up and let me read."

After a couple minutes of reading line from line (_Word. From. Word._) of the paper in front of him, Nate glanced up at L with slanted eyes and a shaking head.

"Well?" L seemed to be crumbling within himself as he began to continuously pace against the hardwood floor, the modern décor of the studio apartment seeming to blur as the walls began to close in on the hyperventilating author. "What did it say?!"

"I think you should be reading this yourself."

Grabbing the letter from Nate's hands, L stomped over to the window on his left side full of shining sunshine and Greenwood trees looming towards the apartment in a lush display of branches and leaves. The children skipping down the sidewalk and lovers holding hands on the pavement below were ignored as all L could really see was the piece of paper within his hands and the beautiful cursive writing which seemed to glare up at him with nothing but malignance.

_Dear L…_

* * *

_Maybe it was better this way…_

_Or at least, better for _them.

* * *

"Hey." L shifted his feet against each other as the door swung open and a pair of clear brown eyes widened in surprise.

"You came!" Light chuckled as he ran up to L before leaping into his unexpected embrace, throwing the dark-haired writer off of his equilibrium and onto his behind. Light appeared barely affected by the fall, smile still stretched along his lips. "I didn't think you would actually show!"

"Why?"

"No offense, but you're kind of the timid-flower type. I kind of feel like I should keep a hold on you… wouldn't want you to be blown away with the wind!" Once again showering the writer with peals of golden laughter, Light tightened his embrace around the disheveled man as the dingy hallway echoed with laughter. L himself nearly forgot about his aching bottom and channeled his energy into this one moment, a deep sort of nostalgia creeping in from the bottom of his wayward heart and keeping residence there. "C'mon inside. I'll make you a drink!"

"Oh… alright." Lamenting the loss of a lap full of bursting Light (_the amount of puns he could make were almost inconceivable, really_), L picked himself and dusted off his short trench coat, following after the excitable man.

"You don't have a preference of drink, do you?" L shrugged off his coat as he closed the door behind him, watching Light scurry from one side of his apartment to the other in bare seconds, the small kitchenette blocked by a large island and a series of cabinets boarded on the side.

"Err… If you have anything sweet…?" Sliding onto the couch, the dark-haired writer smiled awkwardly as he patted his legs with his hands, wondering if sitting his 'normal' way would freak his potential _friend_ out more than necessary.

"Ah, a man with a sweet tooth." Grabbing varying sets of bottles, Light winked as L's face brightened up like a Christmas light. "I wouldn't have expected that from that bored expression permanently attached onto your face."

"Wait, wha-" Almost crashing onto the floor in a sudden fit of clumsiness, L winced as a couple books went flying onto the floor from the table just beside him. "Sorry, I just-"

"Relax! I'm just kidding…" Blinking as the dark-haired man awkwardly picked himself up and replaced the books back onto the tiny table beside him, Light wondered if this was just his luck of the draw. "Kind of."

"You have… a lot of pictures in your home." L pointed a the cluster of color and black and white photos hanging on just about every square inch of the brunette's walls, the light cerulean paint almost entirely covered by the random images of men, women, children, landscapes, and small collages…

"Well, we're both two of a kind, really. We both surround ourselves with our job and live it to the fullest." At the slightly confused look on L's face, Light brought the glass up to his lips as he tilted his head to the side. "I'm a photographer, obviously."

"I see. I suppose… I am a bit of a workaholic as well." Not noticing the hardening gleam in Light's eyes, L gently fingered the rim of the glass cradled in his hands, feeling somewhat… _sad_ for a reason he cannot really place. "But writing doesn't seem to make me as happy as it used to. At least that is what my friend's tell me. And I suppose I can believe it."

"What about you?" L smiled, still slightly distorted from his own admission of discomfort and not quite knowing why. "Does photography make you happy?"

"It used to." Light answers easily, almost matching L's former tone in whimsy. "Things happen sometimes to change a person's wants in just moments of time. Whether people like to admit it or not, we're all secretly brash with our feelings, and just about everything is fleeting in its enjoyment."

"That's… a rather cynical way for you to think, considering you seem to enjoy life more than anyone I've met so far."

"I take what I can in stride, and learn whatever I can from my past mistakes and present fuck-ups. I've already learned the hard way what it's like to lose something dear, and to want something so badly that it hurts every fiber of your being, reminding you of what you're, inevitably, missing." L pushed forward as he swept the auburn hair out of his friend's liquid-like eyes, running like smooth honey, yet still as pure as a darkened amber stone. "But I know happiness, and I've seen and felt love for myself. Is it so wrong to want to drown in both spectrums of such emotions? To take in everything and wish to regret nothing?"

"No." L blushed as Light moved closer to his person, clear bright eyes pulling him closer and closer as the seconds bunched together. "I suppose you're incredibly brave in that aspect. Much more valiant than I ever could be, anyway."

Taking another swig of his drink, L closed his eyes as he laid back, the weight of the other's head falling down on his chest in what felt like a long lost memory. "At least you remember enough to make that decision."

"… What do you mean?"

"Nothing." L smiled as he felt himself be carried away by the music playing sweetly in his ear, and the young man buried deeply within his half-embrace. "Nothing at all."

"Tell me when, and we'll go to your house next time." The muttered whisper made L smile contentedly to himself as he realized that the man in his arms had committed himself to another future outing with the author without actually meaning to.

Filled with a peace he hadn't realized was never there to begin with, L dazed off into the land of his own dreams with last word set on his lips…

"… Ok."

* * *

_But he didn't want to forget. _

_He wanted…_

_He wanted it back._

_He wanted it _all _back. _

_The good…_

_The bad…_

_And everything in between._

* * *

"L, if you're going to come out of your house for a nice rebound, the first rule of said rebounding is to _not_ look so damn _depressed _while doing so, damn it!"

"Considering the way he's dressed, I don't think that's possible." Mail pointed at the black dress shirt, black pants and black shoes (_all things __**Light**__ had gotten for him, once upon a time…_) and almost gagged. "Jesus, are you going to a damn _funeral _after this, L?! We're at a _bar _to help you relax and have a good time, not watch someone choke on a damn pretzel and croak!"

"I'm fine." L snapped, blue eyes darkening with every step he took inside the establishment they were currently housed within.

"L-"

"_I _said_ I'm __**fine**_." Strutting towards the bar, the unruly writer ignored the rampant looks from both males and females alike and sat himself down on one of the lean bar stools, not even trying to gain the bartender's attention as the multitude of people begging for drinks drowned out his friend's hollers and pleas.

After that, L couldn't say how much time passed as random people attempted to chat with him, and he brushed every single one of them off with a cold shoulder and bored gaze. Drink after drink (_after awhile, all the alcohol began to burn in the exact same way…_) went by, and L's lifeless gaze only became all the deader.

"Heard Light sent you a letter." Jumping at the sound of his friend's familiar voice, L almost fell off his seat as a blur of cornflower yellow and metallic blue was propped up beside him, jade green eyes the only real visible thing on his companion's face after being so inebriated for who knows how long.

"News travels fast." Another drink appeared before him as the one sitting in his hand all but disappeared, the bartender nodding before he could say a word. "Damn Nate and his big ass mouth…"

"C'mon, don't blame it on the cute little albino! It's not his fault nobody taught him how to lie as a child."

"Don't care."

"For someone who refuses to move on, you sure don't care a whole lot about a lot of things." Ignoring Mihael's blatant (_and annoying, did he mention annoying?_) sarcasm underneath the roar of the crowd, L worked on downing his drink as slowly as possible. "Now tell me, where did you hide your new memento, since you've so obviously _moved_ _on_. Under the pillow, or in your unused sock drawer?"

"What memento? If you're talking about the letter," L slurred, eyes now rimmed a bright red, "I threw the damn thing out."

Mihael scoffed, catching onto L's bullshit in a matter of seconds.

"I'm not mentally retarded like more than half the people in this damn bar, L. I know you kept the damn letter. Now why don't you stop torturing yourself and just give yourself some peace of mind, yeah?" Not taking his friend's 'confused' glance the least bit seriously, Mihael got up, the circling lights dancing off his royal blue shirt and sea-green eyes rather spectacularly. "You should write to him. I know you want to."

"He _hates_ me." The author nearly wailed, voice drowned out by the load bustling music and shouts of patrons dancing around them.

"He wouldn't have written to you if he did. He wouldn't have given you another thought or the last three years of his life, for that matter, if all that existed was _hate_." Mihael gave the man a pitying glance before laying his hand on his shoulder and sighing. "You're living in your own personal Hell, L… and the only person you _really_ have to blame for it is _yourself_."

* * *

_But he knew it was just wishful thinking on his part to expect such a present. _

_The darkness, after all, wasn't a very forgiving entity. _

_And all he could do-_

_Was watch it all slip away._

* * *

_(It was the more than just love… at least, that's what I've always wanted to believe.)_

* * *


	3. Beckoning the End of the World

A.N: Ah, I am getting this done at a marvelous pace. But, that was to be expected. Lol.

This chapter's been edited through, and I've also managed to add a lot in story-wise. I think the things I've added in give the story more flavor and you get more of Light's perspective in a different manner than just 'him' telling the story. Once again, this note doesn't really matter if this is your first time reading it, but please, enjoy it nonetheless. XD

The references... oh, if you've seen the movie, you'll get it. I know when this was originally posted some people got it. When we get to the end, I think I'll spill the beans, though. I just admire the movie so much. If I were to ever think about being a script-writer, I would hope to aspire to this work, if only because the premise of the film blew me away. ^.^ Please, let me know what you guys think when you're done reading. I enjoy all predictions, questions, comments...

Let me know you guys are ALIVE! :D

Disclaimer: Don't own Death Note, but that's ok. I like messing with its characters, regardless. LOL.

_

* * *

_

_"I hold it true, whate'er befall;_

_I feel it, when I sorrow most;_

_'Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have loved at all."_

_**-Alfred Tennyson**_

**_

* * *

_**

_**Title: **Your Eyes, Shining_

_**Three: **Beckoning the End of the World_

_

* * *

_

_(It was the road leading down to the end that made me remember… it was really the beginning I cherished so lovingly.)_

* * *

_Who would have thought that he couldn't stop believing in them?_

_They were explosive from the start, after all. _

_In fact…_

_He had bet on their failure to coexist before such a thing had even become plausible. _

* * *

"Our second date." L almost fell off his own couch as Light opened the unlocked door without even knocking and fully entered his abode, the older man's cheeks burning a malignant crimson red. Shrugging off his loose jacket and colorful scarf, Light scanned the apartment vacant of everything but the bare essentials, the white, gray and black color scheme of the writer's living space a bit off-putting and… well, _impersonal_. "Or I'll at least count it as our second date, since you haven't even taken me to _dinner_ yet."

Light almost chocked on his own laughter as L sputtered for a split second and blushed three different shades of red, all of which defied the forces of nature.

"Aren't you going to give me the grand tour of your place?" Light teased, holding in his introspection for the moment.

L blinked before holding up a hand, index finger pointing directly forward.

"Bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, guest room and office." L smirked as Light pouted, looking a bit put off by the distinct cut-off of curiosity the writer had implemented within his 'homey' space. "Any more questions about my home?"

"Yeah, are you always this mean to guests, or is this just your everyday personality?" The boy grumbled, not looking as put-off as L thought he would.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you that curiosity killed the cat?" L countered in return, dim eyes sparkling with mischief.

Light simply smirked, the sullen expression falling off of his face in mere seconds. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that it's a good thing that a cat has nine lives, then?"

"Touché." Feeling a bit more comfortable with the intrusion of his privacy (_being alone for so long… or as long as he could remember, anyway, made visitors feel like nothing but intrusions within his space_) L smiled as he flopped down on the couch and watched the boy shuffle in the middle of the room, looking absolutely adorable as his curiosity seemed to be pouring from his body with every twitch, whittle and furtive glance. "You _can_ sit down if you want..."

Still, Light stood where he was, fingers latching onto each other as he took in everything the small apartment had to offer.

Moving from the couch to the kitchen, L grabbed the photographer's hand and pulled him forward so that he could follow, dropping down onto a kitchen stool as he poured both himself and Light a glass of orange juice.

"Have you lived alone a long time?" Light tentatively asked, eyes brimming with an emotion L couldn't recognize once again.

The writer stalled in his drinking as he lowered his cup and gave the rim of the glass in his hand a hard stare in return. "I… suppose so."

Instead of continuing on with that direction of topic, the light-haired photographer let his elbows drop onto the table and held his head up with the palms of his hands. "Don't you ever get lonely living by yourself?"

L shrugged, never having thought about it.

"… … Do you?"

"Ha ha… all the time! Especially when you're used to being with someone else." Light leaned forward and let one of his hands drop on top of L's. "Kind of puts things into perspective, you know?"

"… … Did… Have you just recently gotten out of a long-term relationship yourself?" L asked with a bit of trepidation, wondering why his insides felt as if they were constricting against themselves tighter with every question asked. Not trusting himself to look up at the man's face and _not_ blush vibrantly, dark blue eyes trailed the fingers interlacing with his own.

"Would you call almost two years of being away from commitment '_recent_'?"

The nostalgic tone in the photographer's voice took the author off-guard, not sure how to take such sentimentality when he himself didn't think he was capable of it…

"Oh… it's… you just made it seem like-"

"The person I broke up with was very important to me, and in a way, still is, but I just couldn't continue living the way he wanted. But that's all in the past, where it all should stay…" Light admitted with little modesty, finally glancing over at L with a miniscule smile on his face that was tinged with just a bit of unspoken misery. "Hey, you're willing to be my new most 'important person', right L?"

His now burning red face (_this time not from embarrassment, but from a passionate boiling of emotions even L could not identify_) shied away from the suddenly seductive quality that glimmered from the intensely golden boy, not knowing quite what to say to the blatant remark… or what it seemed to elude to in terms of future settings for the both of them.

"Aw, you're getting shy again! That's so _cute_!" Light giggled as he jumped off the chair and onto L's lap, letting his legs dangle off of the sides of the stool the dark-haired novelist was sitting on as the man concentrated solely on the person caged beneath them. "Do it again."

"You're very…" L gulped as Light leaned forward, not concerned with the lack of stability or the uncomfortable look on L's face as he did so. "Bold."

Light grinned, not looking the least bit disconcerted. "You think I'm slutty now, don't you?"

Stuttering in response, L nearly fell back before grabbing the table for leverage, not sure what to say but not able to stop his mouth from opening and saying it. "N-no! I… I mean, if you're… if you're looking for a physical type of relationship like a one-night stand or something, that's fine-or, well, that's good for… you, I guess, but I'm, I don't think that, that I am looking for just one night of, well, _you know_, and, and-"

"Oh my God, calm down before you burst a blood vessel in your brain, cowboy." Light carefully stroked the other's face as a small glisten appeared over L's forehead, making Light all the more giddy and fidgety. "Are _you _sure you aren't looking for some sort of mini-fling with the way you just started rambling?"

"No." The wayward author answered honestly. "Whatever we do, I hope we do it again and again."

Holding back a laugh, Light let his head fall down onto the crook of the man's shoulder and grin. "… … I think _you're_ the slutty one with the way you're talking, Mister."

"Hey! I'm not the one sprawled over somebody… else's… lap…"

"Do you want me to get off, then?" Light smirked as L once again nearly stumbled off the stool, the kitchen table rocking on its legs as L held himself in place. "I meant off of your lap, you pervert."

"… … I knew that."

"Of course you did." Wrapping his arms around L's neck, Light leaned in and gave him a small peck on the cheek, ignoring the disappointed squeak that L would probably refuse to admit that he emitted later on. "You were just testing me, right? Keeping me on my toes?"

"Yeah…"

"You're so funny without even meaning to be…" Light flicked the end of L's nose, eyes crossing rather ridiculously. "I like that in a guy."

"You like people who embarrass themselves without meaning to?"

"Sure! Can't be insecure if you just say what you mean and don't take it back! And you don't look like the kind of guy to take anything back, no matter what." The painfully beautiful brunette leaned forward, carefully making sure that their combined weight didn't tip over the stool and send them both flying onto the floor. "Right?"

Mouth twitching downward, L hooked his fingers to the loops of Light's pants, eyes blurring over with exhaustion.

'_Right…_'

* * *

_But that didn't mean he had wanted them to fall apart. _

_Only that he had known it was most likely a certain end to their courtship. _

_After all, who could put up with everything he had dealt the boy and _not_ want to find a way out of the labyrinth that ultimately made up whatever relationship that had managed to create out of the lies, silence and tears?_

* * *

L sighed as he glanced down at the neat sliver of paper within his hands, the neat penmanship and pristine white shade of the document now faded after a month of receiving it.

Wanting to throw it away more than anything, yet knowing that that in itself was an impossible task on his part, L kept his gaze on the writing he so missed.

_Dear L…_

How could this one person, this one supposedly insignificant person, hold so much power over him even after almost two months of separation?

_You know why I left…_

_And we both know that that reason wasn't anything to do with me._

He wanted to crumple it up and forget, but he wouldn't.

He knew he would regret that more than just keeping the stupid thing, anyway.

_I wish things could have been different, but I think you were set on this outcome before we truly even began dating at all, let alone living together. _

_Did the three years I put into this relationship really mean so little to you that you let it fall apart without even fighting for it at all?_

Wiping the excess moisture away from his eyelashes with the back of a hand, L slumped further down into his couch, his fingers twitching for the glass of vodka that sat right next to him.

_That's all I keep asking myself, really. And the thing is, I can't find an answer. I know you loved me; you proved it time and again in the beginning of our relationship. Hell, when we first moved in together, you seemed more ecstatic than I did, and I was jumping for joy. _

_But it seemed as the days went on, you grew more and more distant, and I couldn't understand _why_._

The author bit his lower lip turning his head on its side.

_Was it something I did? Something I said? Every time I gathered the courage to ask, you simply brushed it aside without a second thought. I felt as if I were becoming an outsider in our relationship; that I was an intruder of some sort. _

_All there was… was your writing. And I loved that. I did. But…_

_Why didn't you want me to be there too?_

Finally giving into temptation, L took a large swig of his glass contents and grimaced, the icy burn of the alcohol running down his throat in a pleasurable burn.

_Months went by, and I tried to see the bright side. I tried so hard to leave you be when you wanted to be alone and take what I could get in those small instances where I had you; when I _knew _you were looking at no one else but me. But soon, those instances began to vanish as well, only to lead to the late night trips out and random disappearances…_

_L, you were killing me, and you didn't even realize it. _

_Worst yet, you didn't even _care _enough to realize it. _

_So many times I told myself, this is the end. _

_But I couldn't do it. _

_I didn't _want _to do it. _

_You were everything to me, L. I gave you every part of me, and even though I hated it, I loved you too much to throw it all away. Maybe it'll change, I thought. _

_But it didn't. _

_You didn't change, L. _

_And I didn't have the heart to ask you to._

Smoothing out the still-wrinkleless piece of paper with trembling fingers, L traced the small smudges of ink that were no doubt made by tears and heart-ache.

Not his own, though.

But someone else's.

_So I did what I knew was best for you and finally took the plunge. This is what you wanted, right? For me to go? _

_It hurts me to do this, but if it's what would make you happy…_

_Then I'm happy, L. _

_Because I love you, and no matter what happens, I know I will __always__ love you. _

_Even if…_

_Even if it kills me in doing so._

_-Light_

Staring down at the last word, L dropped the piece of paper onto his lap.

Somehow, someway…

Taking another drink of his glass, L shivered.

But not today.

* * *

_He just wanted it to go back to how it used to be. _

_Was that so bad?_

* * *

L groaned as the boy bit at the conjuncture of his neck, neat strands of chestnut-colored hair slipping through his fingers. Pulling back from the photographer's tight embrace, the writer pushed him back onto the couch and straddled his stomach.

How it got to this point, he honestly couldn't remember.

Lips urgently pressed against his own as the novelist lowered his head and a pair of hands then wrapped themselves around his neck, slowly running down his shoulders. A pair of lithe jean-clad legs rose up as the younger man's knees bumped against his arched back, nails raking against clothed skin accompanied by low moans of satisfaction.

But L knew he wasn't one to complain about the little details.

"What do you want…?" Light tentatively asked as L moved his lips from the other's and gently concentrated on the shell of Light's ear, his instinct overriding all reservation.

"Want?" L breathed out, the sudden familiarity of the situation before him striking an uncomfortable sense of dé-jà-vu. "I…"

"Yes?" Light smiled, bleary eyes blinking out the muddled desire encasing them.

Instead of continuing on with the heated make-out session, L catalogued the disheveled form laying beneath his own thin figure and blinked away all sudden thought, uncomfortable or otherwise.

"I just want you."

Wishing to know just why a look of intense relief flashed across the boy's face as he said this, L had no chance to ask as he was pulled back down and met with another mind-blowing kiss.

* * *

_In context, he supposed it was._

* * *

"You finally got another letter." Mail, knowing better than to stay in the room when his lover spoke with _that _tone of voice, quickly flitted away from his boyfriend's side and wandered into his friend's kitchen, noting the lack of sustenance and incredibly large stash of alcohol that seemed to take all the food's place. "Wow, and two and a half months after the fact. That Light sure doesn't give up easily."

"… I suppose." L commented dryly after a pause, dark eyes far and away from the conversation at hand.

"And you actually opened it and gave it a glance through! Oh happy day!" Mihael poked at the open packaging, but before he could slip the piece of paper out of its envelope, L snatched it away from his hand and glared at him. "What was that for?!"

"You don't need to know what it says." Was the snappy response, alluding to the horrible mood laying just underneath the stale monotone and insipid stare.

"It can't be that bad, L." Mihael chose to ignore the obvious discomfiture of his friend's stance and marched on.

"It isn't." The writer whispered, crumpling the piece of paper within the grip of his hand. "He… he wants to start over. If I write back to him saying I want him to come back, he says he'll come back."

"And?!" Mail finally re-entered the conversation, stomping out from the vestiges of the kitchen as a solution to his friend's problems was laid right out on the table. "What are you waiting for then?!"

"I… I don't know if I can forgive him for this, Mail. This hasn't exactly been easy for me!" Cracks of the older man's armor began to show through the writer's façade, letting the two other men in the room see just how messed up their friend really was.

"And what about him, L?! It wasn't exactly all his fault that he up and left!" Mail tried to calm Mihael down, but the blonde just wasn't having it. "You have every bit to do with why he left, and blocking reality out isn't going to make all that reasoning go away!"

"What does _that _mean?!" Though L knew, especially after reading Light's first letter, just what they meant.

"You practically threw him out the door, L! Not with words, maybe, but…" Mihael threw his hands in the air as his friend gave him the most pathetic look he had ever seen in his life. "You ignored him, you refused to talk about how you were whenever he tried to make you feel better about whatever would bother you, you went out late at night, and even though we _knew_ you weren't doing what you think I'm insinuating, Light was always going out of his mind with _worry_. He didn't know what to do anymore, L. What were his other options if you weren't even _listening_ to what he was saying anymore; just blanking his existence out from your own mind, and acting as if he were all a part of your apartment's decor?"

"Nothing." L grit his teeth as he got up and left the room, knowing that as much as he wished he could say _something _in his defense… "Nothing at all."

He had run out of excuses a long time ago.

* * *

_He had ruined things the first time. _

_Wouldn't it make sense that if he had nearly destroyed the poor boy the first time, a second time would crush them both?_

* * *

"Look at that, L!"

Pointing at the warped scenery in front of them covered entirely in a blanket of wintery white, Light smiled as his friend wrapped a warm arm around his waist and affectionately pulled the red wool hat the brunette was wearing down so that it covered his ears completely from the freezing cold surrounding them.

Turning to L, who sported his usual short trench and, an added piece on Light's part, a light blue scarf, the nimble photographer grinned as his fingers from his left hand clung around the empty belt loop of his companion's jacket and pulled him closer to his person.

"It's pretty, isn't it?" L remarked with a flippant tone to his usually calm baritone, dark blue eyes shining brightly against the bright backdrop enveloping them with white.

"Let me just grab my cam-era…" Watching the boy rummage through his knapsack for his precious instrument, L grinned and took a tiny step back, admiring the wave of golden-brown locks freed from the restraining hat's grip as they swayed against the wintery winds. Speckles of white began to clutter down from the sky as tan skin became as flushed as the bright red scarf that seemed to always adorn his companion's neck.

Yet just as soon as such peace was finally attained and Light's camera was finally found, an ear splitting screech erupted behind them, causing L to move closer to the man and moved his right arm so that it could wrap itself around the young photographer's shoulders instead.

"LIGHT! OH MY GOD, IT'S REALLY YOU!"

A head of blonde hair stuck fashionably underneath a black hat attached to a curvaceous thin figure hidden underneath piles of dark, macabre clothing rushed towards the two men now standing stock still, L's arm still comfortably slung over Light's shoulders as he played with the wool fabric of his companion's bright red scarf. Light, instead, appeared stiff as a statue as he attempted to shrink into the writer's embrace and shakily smiled at the irritating blonde jumping up and down in excitement.

"It's been so long, Light! You've been gone for, like, forever and a day!" The aggravating blonde shrilled, making both men cringe in distaste.

"Well, you know time flies when you're having fun…" Light shakily commented, making L grin as his friend hollowly laughed in fake-amusement.

"Last I heard, you were all over Europe working like a crazy person… didn't you stay there for like a good two years?" L blinked, not knowing how to react to this new piece of information. The two men had been seeing each other for about a month and some days, and yet L still didn't know all that much about the young man when it came to his past…

Though L really wasn't one to talk in concerns to sharing about one's past now that he thought about it.

"Uh… it was just a year, actually. Got back to states about a year back and was living up in Massachusetts for awhile before coming back here…" Ignoring L's questioning gaze, Light attempted to pull them both forward, giving the woman a twitchy smile which didn't reflect his usual impassive nature in the least. "It was nice seeing you Misa, but we actually have to get going now-"

"Wait… you're still…" Pointing at L, the young girl now named Misa balked up at him, making the author feel even more uncomfortable than usual. "But… I thought that-"

"Misa, could you please drop this, we have to go. C'mon, L, I'll take a picture of the park tomorrow. It'll still be snowing, I think."

As the two walked away from the young woman still staring at the dark-haired writer with such intensity, L wondered why the woman had given him such an impenetrable look of steel, seeming to recognize him like an old literary classic.

'I've never met her before…'

L corrected himself before he could get carried away with what could be a lie.

'Have I?'

* * *

_Everything felt muddled, and he was starting to fade along with all the things that made him _him.

_It was difficult to explain…_

_How do you describe your own destruction, when you were still _here_?_

* * *

Staring down at the computer monitor, L didn't even blink as it suddenly turned black, the screen saver rolling across the screen in a bright display of bouncing colors.

He couldn't think of anything.

_Anything._

'That's it. Light _stole_ my damn inspiration away from me, the asshole.' Crashing his hand against the keyboard, a loud click along with a bright light bursting within the dark bedroom catching L off guard as a string of random letters rapidly appeared onto the screen in front of him. 'Concentration my ass.'

Pushing the computer off of his lap, the writer opened his drawer and pulled out a small plain wooden box, pushing the button in the middle so that the top gave way and opened. A small stack of creased folded papers popped over the sides of the top of the box, brushing the author's fingers with their familiar dry texture.

'If only I could forget…'

Slowly unfolding each paper and laying them out over his bed, L felt his eyes water with remembrance, each memory sharp and painful to watch over and over in his mind's eye…

'_That _would be paradise…'

* * *

_It seemed to be an impossible feat. _

_Yet, here he still was, for what little time there was left. _

_Left for him, anyway._

* * *

"I'm _tired_, L…" Light whined with a swipe of his hand, the bed bouncing with the sudden motion of his arm. "Turn off the damn laptop, ok?"

"In a minute…" L muttered, his hands rapidly flying across the keys in a flurry of wrist and finger movement.

"L…" The croak was riddled with danger, yet L continued on regardless.

"Give me a second." Though the comment came out a bit jumbled, as L had had a pen in his mouth as he said it. Intensely aware of the arms now absently curled around his midsection, L finally finished his last sentence and stared at the screen, in awe of himself.

That had been his first writing splurge in four months, since-

'Since before all the drama and catastrophe. Even more incredible, it's been almost two months since I've met Light…'

"Almost two months…" L whispered as he grabbed his friend's (_could they even still be considered friends at this point?_) hand and played with his fingers, ignoring the bright glow of his computer screen perched over his nightstand. "I can't believe it's been almost two months since I've met you."

"Hm…" Still fully clothed in his jeans and tee-shirt (_and just a little wet after trudging through all that snow outside_), Light twined their legs together and sleepily closed his eyes. "Can we go to sleep now?"

"It doesn't feel like it's been that long, to tell you the truth." L continued, ignoring his partner's pleas for rest as he dragged Light further into his lap and relaxed against his bed's headboard. "It feels like I've known you for longer than just 60 measly days…"

"Does it?" Light murmured, a slight edge of humor humming within his tenor. "And we haven't even banged yet."

"Light!" Not usually put off by things of the perverse nature, L couldn't control the blush flourishing over his face as the man stretched out within _his _bed, strips of golden flesh tantalizing peaking through the edges of cloth covering the beautiful body next to him.

"You know, I honestly would not have pegged you for the modest type." The photographer murmured, sounding more bemused than anything else.

"You don't peg me for a lot of things."

"…"

"…"

"Shut up." L muttered, knowing he'd lose this fight either way. "But… now that you've… um…"

"What? Just ask me what you want to ask if you're going to be bashful about it." Already agitated from the lack of sleep and over-exertion from the long day he had suffered through, Light blearily glared up at the stuttering author who now refused to speak. "I've already told you I think that's annoying."

"Well…" Cheeks burned from the scorching red flush stretching across the milky-white expanse that was L's cheeks. "Do you… _want_ to…?"

"Want to what?"

If possible, the writer could have melted into a pile of goo right on top of his bed.

Of all the times to act naïve, the photographer chose _now _implement such innocence…

"You've been… _insinuating_ that… well…"

L didn't think his face could get any redder as the younger man practically lying on top of him shifted over him and straddled his waist, cinnamon-brown eyes blurry with sleep.

"Are you asking me to sleep with you?" Light straight-out asked.

"Not in so many words!" The author just about jumped out of his skin as Light gave him a dubious stare, still completely out of his mind with exhaustion. "And… I… I'm not trying to push anything or…"

L sighed, wishing there was some way to automatically shut himself up before he began talking at times.

'Oh God…'

"You," Light pointed down at the man staring up at him with a mortified blush smeared across his cheeks, dark-blue eyes wide with trepidation. "Most definitely need to get laid more often. Tonight, however, will not be one of those nights."

"I apologize! I didn't mean-"

"It's not that I don't _want _to, L, I just want to go to sleep!" Pinching the man's cheeks, Light tiredly blinked as the oceanic gaze below him narrowed rather cutely. "L, I can barely sit up without wanting to fall on my ass. Do you really want to do it with someone who's comatose?"

"… Uh… no…?"

"… … _Right_." Falling back onto his side, the tired brunette huddled himself closely to L's body and closed his eyes, sighing. "Ask me tomorrow, and maybe you'll get a different response, ok?"

Strangely enough, as L rearranged the covers of his bed and Light kicked off his shoes, and the lights were dimmed accompanied by a small click of a computer…

All he could contemplate was how much he liked the sound of that.

* * *

_Maybe, though…_

_Just maybe…_

* * *

"You got another letter from Light." Mihael mumbled. "_Again._"

"Hm." L barely graced the blonde another glance as he went back to his glass, the clear liquid taking his attention off the situation at hand rather spectacularly.

"This is what, the tenth one he's sent you in the last seven months?" Mail quirked up an eyebrow as he lifted his leg and leaned his arm on his knee, smiling as Mihael sat down on the other side of loveseat he was currently perched upon.

"He knows my number, he can just call me if he really wishes to have contact with me as badly as he does."

"I… don't think it's that simple, L. And would you put away the damn gin!" Mihael leaned over and tried to snatch the bottle away from L's strong grip but was met with a foot in his stomach as the writer leapt off the couch and scurried over into the kitchen. Leaning against the kitchen table with little regard of the mess of papers and clothes scattered on its once-pristine surface he took a large gulp from right out of the bottle. "What are you trying to do, kill yourself via alcohol poisoning?!"

"That doesn't seem so bad…" The writer thought aloud, body swaying with instability.

A series of stomps was the only announcement of Mihael's arrival before he snapped his fingers in front of the older man's face, sighing obnoxiously. "L, focus!"

"I realize that everything that happened between us was all my fault, Mihael. It took awhile, but I can admit it now." L dropped the bottle, letting it fall to the floor with a clang and rush of lukewarm alcohol running over his feet. Holding his head between his hands, L felt the inevitable sting of tears prick at his eyes and burn his retinas. "I don't deserve him."

"Oh, _here we go again_!" The blonde huffed out as he took in his friend's bedraggled expression and snarled. "Why, damn it?! Why don't you fucking deserve him _now_?!"

"Because I would do it again!" L shouted, looking every bit as out of it as he felt. "I know myself, alright! I'm _not_ going to change who I am, not even for him!"

'It's the truth, isn't it? I'm too selfish to give up any part of my life or how I live it. How am I supposed to appease a person such as Raito, when Raito himself is too much of an egoist to even consider satisfying himself with being second-best to anything? After a good year of being together, it's only now sunk in that we'd never work out… even if we wanted to_._'

"Because… because even if most of me doesn't _want_ to change… there's still a small part of me that wishes I _could_ be different…" If L truly had the ability to cry, if he had had a better grasp of his emotions, if he weren't such a fuck up, if he had appreciated what he had while he still had it, if, if, if…

How much better he would be if only he could learn how to truly be human, just as Light wanted.

"_If only to be happy_…" Came the whispery plea, eyes closing as he slumped forward-

And let the darkness collect his final thoughts.

* * *

_One more chance could bind them instead of obliterate them._

* * *

"So, we're here." Mail absently pulled the slim cigarette straddling his fingers out of his mouth and glanced over at L from the corner of his eye, bright green irises shining against the bright afternoon light beaming down on the windshield. "Ready to meet your _doom_, L?"

"Shut up, stupid!" Hitting his boyfriend over the head, Mihael turned around and gave L a small smile, his own sky-blue eyes sparkling with hope and vitality. "He'll be so happy to see you, L! You're all he ever talks about sometimes!"

"Spec-tacular…" L whispered to himself before turning his head and looking out the window, glades of green grass and tall evergreen trees seemed to stretch out for acres. Pale fingers traced the images in front of them, a small memory collected to the gathering bunch stored within his mind.

'_Don't lose this_.' Someone seemed to whisper in his ear, shards of obsidian gathering around the dark-blue shade surrounding his pupil. '_Get it back, and keep it for good_…'

The door swung open without L touching the handle, Nate's apathetic face appearing over the edge of the car door.

"In or out, L?"

L gave the man a small awkward smile before stepping out onto the gravel-filled paved walkway, the large house behind him both immense and intimidating.

"Hard to believe this is where you grew up sometimes, huh?"

'_Don't lose this…_'

"Yeah." L's awkward smile inadvertently curled as he dragged his feet up the steps, the three other men following him seeming to all have varying degrees of disappointment pouring from their faces. "_Probably_."

Holding himself back at the door leading into the house, L closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

'_Get it back, and keep it for good…_'

"L!"

Crossing the threshold, the casually-dressed writer smiled as an older man with a weathered face seated comfortably within a wheelchair appeared at the end of the hall in front of him. Taking in the man's carefully ironed suit and pristine-white dress-shirt, L felt abnormally out of place within the large house.

"Hey, Mr. Whammy! What's up, Roger!" Mihael pushed L further within the house as he waved at the genially-smiling disabled man, about ready to pinch L's side as he sidestepped and practically rushed into the main living room. "We brought your good for nothing grandson to your wonderful home for some good ol'… quality… time…"

Rolling his eyes as the raven-haired author threw off his jacket and tossed it onto the couch, Mihael strolled past his boyfriend and cousin and followed his best-friend's steps.

The oldest of the group nodded over at the two boys before following them in themselves, shaking his head as the person behind him attempted to follow.

"I have to speak to him alone, Roger. Please, make sure that dinner is ready by the time we're done conversating."

"… … Of course, Quillsh." The other man quickly sped away as his companion entered the living room and gave a heart-felt smile at his audience, his mustache twitching against his lips. "Hello, everyone."

"Hello, Mr. Whammy." L smiled as the old man wheeled himself in, the sad face he adorned every time he looked at the 27-year-old intensifying with each passing second.

"How many times have I asked you to just call me 'Grandfather', L? Mr. Whammy makes it sound as if we're complete strangers!" The older man guffawed as L grimaced uncomfortably, scratching the back of his head rather awkwardly.

'_But… aren't we?_' A voice, a familiar voice, swept in and tickled in the back of L's head, making his smile waver in its strength. '_You aren't __**really**__anyone to me if I can't rememb-_'

"Of course. I apologize, grandfather." Holding back his remarks at Mihael's rather vicious glare, L looked down onto the carpeted floor… and counted down the questions asked, as was his usual tendency whenever he visited his grandfather.

"So how have you been, L?"

'_One…_'

"Fine."

"And your work?"

'_Two…_'

"Doing well."

"What are you writing about in your new book?"

'_Three…_'

"Nothing in particular."

"Part of the 'Mystery' genre, again?"

'_Four…_'

"I don't think so."

"That sounds like a coming shock to your fans! Do you think they can handle it?"

'_Five…_'

"I think they all need a good 'shock' once in awhile, don't you?"

"Oh! Speaking of 'shocks'!"

L stopped in his count and looked up sharply, the normal routine broken by the older man's sudden verbosity.

"I heard you were talking to Light again!" Not noticing his grandson stiffen rigidly within his chair, Quillsh's smile became all the more genuine. "You have no idea how good that is to hear, son. I've missed seeing him for quite awhile, now."

"Light…" Mihael bit his lip as Mail let the new unlit cigarette fall out of his mouth, Nate shifting his gaze between everyone in the room and L himself. "You know Light?"

"Of course I know Light!" Quillsh blinked at what, to him, was a ridiculous inquiry. "What kind of question is that?!"

"I… yes. I am with him now. I… suppose." Getting up from his chair, the young writer knelt in front of his grandfather, eyes narrowed with curiosity. "What do you mean by…?"

"Oh, so you _have _gotten back together with Light, again! At first, I thought Mihael was just telling me what he thought I might've wanted to hear." Quillsh smiled as L then backed away from the old man in front of him, giving Mihael and Mail a wounded glance with his out-pouring gaze. "Splendid! He has always brought the best out of you, L. Before the accident and year-long separation, you two were _always_ together…"

"Always…?" L couldn't have looked more confused even if he tried. "_Separation_?"

"I don't think anyone could love you as much as that boy did." Smiling obliviously to his grandson's inner-conflict, Quillsh nodded vehemently as he beckoned the boy closer to himself. "You were his heaven, earth and Hell… everything he could have wanted you gave him, and vice-versa. Why he left to begin with, you never told me, but I knew with time, whether you had your memory or not, you two would get back together again. The fates have a strange way of working, after all…"

"We… we _broke up_?" L turned back and gave his three friends a hard glare, all of them squirming within their seats.

"Yes, but I'm sure it was just a small misunderstanding… though you never quite explained to me just what that misunderstanding _was_." Giving his grandson a concerned glance, Quillsh seemed to finally realize that instead of comforting the young jittery man ready to bite his thumb off, his words had the opposite effect. "Didn't you know… he really didn't _tell_ you? _None _of you _told him…_?"

"No, I-I've got to go." His breath was caught in his throat, suffocating him in a fit of hysteria. Without even giving his grandfather a second glance, L held out his hand, his mouth set out in a firm line as Mail dug out the car keys and gave them to L. "Will you three-"

"Roger will bum us a ride, I'm sure." Shrugging his shoulders, Mail's small smile seemed less mischievous than usual, burning with a sincerity that L had not seen for a very long time. "You go get your answers, and we'll be here for you when you're ready."

Mihael nodded along with Nate, whose face was still set in stone.

"Get going tiger! Bag yourself your sexy boy-toy… again!"

L barely had time to roll his eyes before he was out the door, car keys jingling within his hands as his feet hit the ground in a tousled rhythm.

'Just when you think you have _everything _figured out…'

* * *

_And it was that chance that held him together, still._

* * *

_(It held me in place with a surge of something I couldn't understand… do I truly love you, or what you represent?)_

* * *


	4. Living Only in the Moment

A.N: Woooooo! Almost to the end; and by the way, if you've read the end, it's going to be different, so don't think you'll just be re-reading the same thing over again. And for everyone else, yes, there IS one more chapter. There's a theme, if you haven't noticed, with numbers… Lol.

I especially enjoyed re-editing this chapter, because I got to change a lot of dialogue that I felt was really lacking before… and that's sad, because dialogue is supposed to be my strong point. DX But, I feel a bit better about things now, and I know that things are tied together here in terms of how this is written… I suggest re-reading the chapters if you're still confused after reading this one, just so you can see how everything connects. I laid it out so that if you're looking for the clues, they are indeed there. ^.^

I hope you guys are enjoying this, and please, if you have any questions, comments or flat-out criticisms about this pieces, let me know. I enjoy all reviews given to me (and it helps motivate me, letting me know that people out there truly are enjoying my stuff for what it is!) and even sometimes delight in the shout-outs. Love you guys. :D

* * *

"_I hold it true, whate'er befall;_

_I feel it, when I sorrow most;_

_'Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have loved at all."_

_**-Alfred Tennyson**_

* * *

_**Title:**__ Your Eyes, Shining_

**Four:** _Living Only in the Moment_

* * *

_(It may have been the miles apart that killed my __dreams__ of what could have been… but it was your absence that killed __me__ in the end.)_

* * *

_He was still drowning, though. _

_It wasn't the same kind of suffocation through whatever, but a drowning of a different sort; a mystification that even he with his multitude of words and pretty Shakespearean babble couldn't describe. _

_He couldn't escape it…_

_Not without losing what was most dearest to him in return. _

* * *

"L, it's been well over a year now." Mihael drawled out, already feeling the headache he would no doubt be complaining about later thrum against the back of his head.

The dark-haired man with a now-permanent scowl nursed his bottle of Jack Daniels with cupped hands and turned away from the obnoxious blonde glaring at him with a fervor that nearly matched his own.

_Nearly_.

"I don't care."

Refusing to lose his footing so early in the game, Mihael augmented the nastiness of his glare clasped his hands against his waist. "You should move on if you don't care as much as you say do!"

Mihael barely had any time to move as a bottle of precious alcohol swerved over his and landed on the floor with a slosh and crash.

"What the He-"

"No!" L loudly slurred, eyes rimmed red with lack of sleep. His pale skin seemed to have a taken a translucent quality to it, amplifying the dark fabric of the sweater he currently donned along with the prominent veins lying just underneath his skin.

"Then write back to him! He's written you 17 Goddamn letters, and you haven't written back _once _in the past year in pining for him." Nearly ripping out the precious hair from off of his head, the blue-eyed lawyer snarled in an attempt to assuage his violent tendencies. "He's given you a damn out, why won't you just fucking _take it_ already!"

Having nothing else to throw within grabbing distance, L bunched himself up into a ball and simply sulked. Mihael finally snapped at the uncharacteristic huddle-up on his friend's account and moved forward, shaking him fervently until he finally responded-

"I said _no _damn it!"

"Then what?! You're just going to stay in your little limbo for the rest of your life?! Hell, do you even think you have that long?!" Shaking his body yet again, Mihael knew that the man was not even there with him as those dark cerulean depths blankly stared ahead, far and away from the conversation at hand. "You're killing yourself, and for what?! To give him some _peace of mind_?! Did you ever come to think on how fucking _unhappy_ he probably is with all the shit he's been writing?! You don't do the things he's been doing if you just _don't care_ L!"

Snapping out of his mini-comatose state, L shoved the younger man from off of his person. "It's not about that, it's about what's best for _him_-"

"And who are you to decide that, L?! He loves you; Hell, he willingly waited for you all this time instead of just going out and finding somebody else who would probably appreciate him a lot more than you!" Instead of continuing on with his own brand of self-abuse, Mihael concentrated on L's face, noting the lines of anger, frustration and melancholy with satisfaction and glee. "What more does he have to do to show you that you're being a complete douche-bag!"

"… I just don't want to hurt him again." L quietly admitted, not having the strength or will to continue ignoring his friend's words any longer.

"Then tell him to stop wasting his life away." Mihael dropped a pen on his friend's lap, azure eyes not the least sympathetic to his friend's plight anymore. "And stop wasting your own, while you're at it."

* * *

_It was all like a dream, and it all faded away just as swiftly. _

_Memories…_

_Memories are like shooting stars, fading quickly like bursts of fire within your hands. _

_Anger, sadness, happiness; all these emotions were tied down by things people remembered._

_He was no different. _

_He really wasn't._

* * *

"_Hey! I was just thinking about you, honey-pie!_" Though Light's voice filled with jubilation and merriment was comforting to hear, the words from earlier that day didn't seem to fade, burning against his chest with an intense frustration that L just couldn't seem to bear.

"I need to see you… _Now_." L whispered into the receiver of the phone, red-rimmed eyes still smudged with tears. The gravity of his voice seemed to bring down the young man on the other line, the strung-over silence hanging heavily over the ear-piece of the phone. "Where can I meet up with you?"

"_Um… ok… Hey, uh, we don't we meet down on Main Street under the giant bridge near that weird looking flamboyant statue. Do you know where I'm talking about?_"

"… Yeah."

"_Good! …So it's a mini-date, I guess…_" A small, but heavy pause hung between them. "_Are you alright, L?_"

"No… but I think…" L sighed shakily as he got up and slipped on his shoes and grabbed his coat with one hand, dark blue eyes clearing up with each passing second. "I think I will be. See you soon."

* * *

_And even the most important of things could be forgotten in a fit of distress._

* * *

Looking down at the blank piece of paper sitting on the counter, L cursed himself as his emotions ran away from him once again.

'Aren't you a writer?' A voice slithered into his head, poking at his insecurities with a bigger fervor than his own. 'Isn't this your _job_?'

Words were his weapon, but this time, he didn't wish to inflict pain, as he did the night he had lost his lover… his best friend… his everything.

Settling himself within the cushy computer chair, L poised the pen above the paper and closed his eyes, searching for the words to help him now that he had run out of excuses and out of barricades to hide behind…

_To Light:_

_It's been a long time since your last letter, so I suppose if you've given up on me, I have only myself to blame._

_I needed time to gain perspective, and speaking to you in anyway would have been counterproductive to what I wanted, and that was to examine the wrongs in our own relationship, and just what plagued us in the end. I didn't want to place the blame unjustly on either you or myself in a fit of anger or depression, yet as the months rolled on and the more and more I began to think back to those last bittersweet weeks we were together, I realized…_

_It __was __**me**__._

_It wasn't intentional, of course. I kept thinking to myself that when I finished my latest book, that we would have all the time in the world to re-acquaint ourselves with the other. It would be my greatest masterpiece, and we would share in that wealth of my inspiration together. But it didn't go that way. Instead of letting you in as I should have, I shut you out and proceeded to push you away, not understanding what I was doing to the only person I had ever come love, if such a concept is even possible with a person such as myself._

_It was fear, Light. Fear of the future, fear of what could change between us as time continued to pour forward and not knowing where such a path would lead us. I don't know why I was so scared, but the more I saw you shrink away, the more fearful I became… and the more I pushed you, without thinking of the consequences of what that would do to our relationship._

_It was a backwards way of thinking that destroyed us, but I shut that out at first. When you left and I read that damning letter, all I could do was blame you. Blame you, and… try to hate you. And for awhile, I think I really did. It was a poison that I didn't want to live without, because I loved you for so long, how else could I function, if not in that way? I wanted to bury myself in my hurt… and in not responding, I wanted you to hurt too._

_You know there's no difference between now and then. There is no 'getting better', Light. There's only me, and how I am, and how I'll always be the same. Maybe I could become a better person, but it's not within me to do so. __Not even for you__._

_Maybe you'll hate me too, when you read this. I don't want you to, but maybe you will. All I can do is tell you the truth, and that is I will probably never stop feeling this way for you. There may be others who become a part of my life, but there will never be another __**Light**__._

_And whether you believe me or not, I wouldn't want there to be anyway._

_Yours always,_

_L_

_P.S.: If there was anyone I could __**see**__ myself truly loving… it would be __**you**__, Light. Never, ever forget that._

Staring down at the tear drops and blotches of ink staining the white sheet of paper, L dropped the pen that had been digging into his fingers and let out a stuttering breath.

'Is this the right thing to do?'

Not letting himself think his way out of it, L grabbed the envelope and stamp next to him and rushed out of the door, eyes trained ahead even as his hands shook within his pockets.

* * *

_But was everything he remembered really so easily forgotten? _

_It was a concept he didn't want to believe, yet here he was, trapped within this void of darkness, losing what little mind he had been able to hold onto without even meaning to. _

_He was fighting a losing battle. _

_He was…_

_He was._

* * *

L stared at the dashboard of his car, lights blinking as the car rumbled beneath his feet.

'Is this the right thing to do?'

'_Don't you want to kill this niggling doubt in your mind that this isn't just a dead end? You could end this now, and it won't matter… If he's been lying to you, don't you want to get away from that and find someone new?_'

'But… I don't _want _to. Light is the one for me, I know it!'

'_But maybe it's for the best._'

"I don't care!" Slamming his closed fist against the steering wheel, L ignored the ache within his chest. "I don't care…"

'This is it for me…'

'_He might hurt you-_'

'Destroying this, whatever this maybe, would hurt me even _more_. I don't know how I know that, but…'

'_But…?_'

'I just do.'

* * *

_And all he could was sit back and let it happen._

* * *

L ran down the stairs, not letting anyone in his way stall him for even a moment. Pushing past the door and running onto the paved sidewalk, something akin to alarm bells began ringing within the man's ears.

'What…'

Shaking his head fervently, L looked ahead and moved towards the mailbox that was just across the street.

In his rush, however, he failed to give the street any attention-

And five seconds would be all it would take for him to lose it all.

'_One…_'

It would only be a couple of steps, and everything would resolve itself in due time…

'_Two…_'

The guilt that had been weighing him down would cease to break his heart and his relationship problems with a certain bright-eyed brunette would be the least of his problems…

'_Three._'

Would he still continue to miss the boy, even after finally closing the door to whatever relationship they could still have?

'_Four._'

If this past year was miserable… L was sure that he wouldn't be seeing the light of day for a long while, even if Light himself wouldn't find it as scarring as the writer did.

'_Fi-_'

Light could keep on living his life-

It was really too bad that L would not be given the same choice.

_It was the Darkness that he hated; the pain was just a second thought._

Five seconds would be all it would take, after all-

_He was losing it all, and just for taking a couple of steps._

And that would be five seconds too much.

_All he could hope for was the uncanny belief that everything would be alright in the end. _

First, it was his head.

'_Damn it, why does everything hurt __**so badly**__…_'

Then, it was the screams.

'_Are those… mine?_'

Finally…

'_Is this… pain?_'

The _blinding __**lights**__._

Clutching the letter within his bloody hand, L smiled against the onslaught of pain infiltrating his every pore, feeling the cold wind whip around his bruised face and cooling the sticky liquid stuck rather uncomfortably against his painfully aching skin.

At least one thing had come out virtually unscathed, the writer thought jokingly to himself as he coughed. His head began pounding painfully against his agitated skull, ears barely hearing the shrieks of sirens and pounding of feet on pavement as hands grabbed at various ligaments and assessed the damage all over his broken body…

And L finally closed his eyes, not knowing that when he woke up, that sopping envelope within his loosening grip would become a soon passing dream…

Much like Light himself.

* * *

_Voices rushing past his ears-_

_But none he could identify. _

_Where…_

_Where _was _he?_

* * *

"Light." L quivered as the cold breeze crawled up his neck, the familiar view of the other dressed in his normal attire comforting him more than it should have. "Light. Light. Light…"

"L?" The familiar smile that usually sent shivers down the older man's spine curled downward, the photographer noticing the spark that usually lain within his companion's gaze fizzling into a dull glow. "Are you alright?"

"You lied to me." As he said this, Light's countenance melted into one of weary torment, realizing that not only had he been found out, but he had been called out on the fact. "You _lied _to me."

"About-"

"_Everything._" For a second, Light looked as if he were about to deny everything, but then, a moment passed…

And the usually glowing boy dimmed into a shadow of what L believed was his former self.

"Yes." Light then easily admitted, eyes reflecting the bright city lights bouncing down on their dim-lit forms, the world seeming to have slowed down only for them. "Yes, I did."

Dark eyes narrowed as L gripped the pockets of his jacket, stinging from the force of the winds surrounding them and wayward tears.

"Wh-"

"Don't ask me why. You have _no right_ to ask me why." Holding back a tiny gasp, Light scrubbed at his eyes, his lips quivering with emotion. "After everything you put me through, I thought doing it this way this time, everything would be different! God… who told you? Who?!"

"Does it matter?" Torn between wanting to comfort his ex/current lover and sadistically enjoying the sight of pain filling his features, L stayed where he stood and stared at the emotional photographer. "I know that we were together… and that we broke up before my accident. Right?"

Nodding rigidly, Light knew his nose probably looked as red as cherry if the sting of still-there tears was anything to go by.

"Why weren't you there at the hospital, when I woke up?" L felt his own resolution to stay angry die out as he remembered those confusing days left in his own personal hell; a sterile white room filled with people he couldn't remember, but wanted to. "Was our relationship so bad that you couldn't even _look_ at me?! If that's true, what are you doing with me _now_-"

"No!" Interrupting the man mid-rant, Light sobbed out his retort with an emotional intensity that L had never seen from the man in the time they had spent together (_that he could remember_). "None of that is true, L. I just… didn't know you _were _in the hospital. I didn't even know about the accident."

At the man's dry look of disbelief, Light stomped his foot against the ground and glowered. "When we broke up two years back, it wasn't even really a break up. It was… _stupid _thinking about it now."

"And?" L mumbled, trying to understand just _why _Light had felt the need to lie to him for nearly three months.

"After nearly three years together, I got fed up with how our relationship was going and packed my bags and just floated around Europe. We were at a standstill, and all I could do at the time we were together those last of couple of months was watch us fall apart." The brunette crossed his arms over his chest; a defensive maneuver on his part. "To tell you the truth, I don't even think you wanted to be with me anymore. We had changed so much from the people we had been when we first met. I was just getting out of college, and you were just blowing up as best-selling author… I think, at first, we were both just so intrigued with each other."

"But that intrigue became something more to me." Light admitted, fingers twitching against the contour of his clothed biceps. "I fell for you so hard that I never was able to get back up."

"Then why did you leave?" The pasty-skinned author quivered, shaking at the force of the winds surrounding them both. "Why did you leave me, Light, if you were still in love with me?"

"Because I just I couldn't _take_ it anymore, L!" The sudden outrage on the younger man's face took the writer off-guard, but not nearly as much as the tears now brimming over the photographer's eyes. "You were so infatuated with your own imagination that it seemed like you didn't want to _be _with me on the best of days! But when I left, I couldn't stand being without you even _less_."

"I came back to the states after a year of drowning my sorrows away in random hotels, but during my time there, I began sending you letter after damn letter after damn letter…" Light sighed, taking in L's solemn face with a grain of salt. "All of them only telling you about how much I missed you and how I wanted to reconnect with you, but how I didn't want to be a third wheel to your other love of your life anymore; your writing. You never responded back, no matter how many times I wrote to you. You never even made an _attempt_ to fix this with me, so I figured you gave up… on us. Probably didn't read them, anyway. Lost cause, right?"

L felt a faint tickling of nostalgia creep over him once he heard the word 'letter', thinking back to his apartment and a certain padlocked box lying under his bed…

He had never been able to find the key to the storage bin, and now he could guess why.

'I kept them… didn't I? All those little trinkets in my apartment that never seemed to be of my taste, all those times I felt as if something was missing as I went to bed… it was…'

Slowly, answers to little questions he had always had about himself began to unravel as Light continued to speak on about their past.

"It wasn't until a couple months after my last letter that I received a new letter from Mihael, of all people. That's how I found out about you getting hurt." Swallowing what seemed to be a heavy dose of guilt, Light continued on with a bitter tone leveled onto his voice. "I used to always complain that I used to be your escape; that to you, I was just a concept on what love should be, and never what love _was_. The whole time I was waiting for you to save me like I rescued you and it was when you needed me the most. I felt… claustrophobic with guilt… so after getting out of some things in good ol' Mass… I came back here."

"As soon as you heard?" L heard himself ask, feeling almost detached from the situation at hand as he thought of everything he had been missing and _knowing _it was just within reach.

"As soon as I heard." Light re-confirmed, the small wistful grin on his face hampered by his still-tumultuous stare. "But… he didn't tell me that you couldn't remember _anything_. He knew I probably would have stayed away if he had told me."

"That day on the train? It wasn't the first time I saw you, was it? Since… since before the accident, I mean. I've seen you once before that." Searching his memory (_or what was left of it_), L felt a migraine overtake his concentration and thump painfully against his temples. "I know I have…"

"No, you're right." The usually springy man seemed to droop with the exhaustion of carrying a heavy burden that had been laden within his very heart. "The first time we met was at one of your book signings in Connecticut. I thought I would surprise you by showing up and glomping you in front of everybody, and demanding that we get back together. I was just so sick of waiting by the sidelines; _waiting _for you to make your next move. But… as soon as I got up there…"

* * *

_Light swallowed nervously as he shuffled in his spot in line, fumbling with his favorite wooly red scarf that L himself had given to him as a present. Smiling exuberantly, Light pushed away all doubts and insecurities, hoping that L would a least let him explain why he left, and just __**why**__ he did so with out saying a word. Maybe then, they would be able to find out just_

_The writer's eyes continually shifted over to him, but it was not the same steamy glance at before, when they couldn't take their eyes off of each other._

_At first, Light thought it was a strange trick his own mind playing on him._

_But…_

_There was something about his ex-boyfriend's gaze that left something to be desired._

'_L, what's the matter?'_

"_Hello, there." L finally spoke as Light made it to the front of the line, his face devoid of any recognition or anger. The small smile tickling at his lips caught the younger man off guard as he twirled the pen within his hands (much the same way that Light himself used to do as a way to annoy the writer who found the action irritating) with an innate boredom that showcased just how out-of-place he was in the bookstore surrounded by the many books he himself had written. "What can I do for you today?"_

'_This is…'_

_Light stood for a moment, speechless._

'_This isn't an act, is it?'_

_The smile perched on L's lips slowly began to tilt as Light felt his breath halt in his chest-_

"_Sir?"_

_Instead of responding, Light did what came natural to him-_

_He ran._

* * *

"You didn't even _recognize_ me. I didn't know what to say, what I _could _say, so I just…" Light held in his tears as L glared at him balefully, knowing he deserved every scorned glance thrown at him at this point. "I just _left_."

"I thought it was just a ploy to get me to leave you alone, at first… but I knew that was just stupid. You wouldn't stoop so low to get rid of me. So I went to visit your grandfather… and you can imagine how shocked he was to see me." Playing with the frayed edges of his scarf, Light sighed as the freezing night air nipped at his face and ears, pulling him back into reality. "But not nearly as shocked as I was when he told me the truth. I just couldn't believe that you could forget about us like that. All of us… everyone who loved you."

"I was so pissed at Mihael that I actually went to his house and started ripping him a new one. I just didn't know how to react to it." Watching L smile unbiddenly at the admission, Light just shrugged. "I mean, I thought it was bad enough that you didn't want me… to know you had just about _forgotten _me altogether, even if inadvertently? It was like… it just felt like a _betrayal._ I didn't even want to look at you, L. I just wanted to run again and forget myself."

"So why didn't you?" Stepping closer in an attempt to close the enormous rift lying beneath them, the amnesiac novelist took in a shuddering breath and licked his lips.

"… … It wouldn't have changed anything. So I convinced myself that maybe it was for the best and that you were better off without me. That this happened for a reason, and that you probably didn't want me all that much to begin with, if how our relationship had ended was any indication." Refusing to step back as L continued his trek forward, the sniffling photographer felt the beginnings of a smile tickle his lips.

"I doubt that very much with the way I'm feeling right now." Ignoring the shocked wide-eyed stare Light sent his way, L shifted a bit closer to the younger man and sighed. "Keep going, I know you're not done."

"Well, I didn't want to admit it, but… it was tolerable before, when even though we weren't together, I knew you were still _there_. That there would always be at least a chance, if nothing else." Light tried to pull himself together as a lone tear trailed down his cheek, the only one of its kind. "But to know that you weren't the… the same person, the same _man_ I had fallen for so long ago, it hurt to even _think _about leaving. Because that meant that there really _wouldn't_ be any second chances. You would just keep living your life as if I had never been there to begin with and I would be stuck with this misery that had only burned worse within my heart once I found out about your condition. I didn't want to let you go just yet… maybe not ever."

The dark-haired writer finally took one final step forward and grabbed the photographer's arm with care.

"What are you asking for, Light?"

"… … What have I been asking you for since I 'met' you on that train, L? Haven't you even been listening? I want everything, L." Moving forward until he lied fully within the writer's embrace, Light closed his eyes, still glistening brightly with unshed tears.

"_Everything _with _you_."

* * *

_This darkness, it was all he knew._

'Where… where is this?'

_And at first, all he could see was black_.

'Why can't I see…?'

_The void blinded him, binding him with its shackles with more than just fear to hold him in place._

'I want something.'

_Each piece of himself slowly unraveled itself from his mind…_

'I want… someone?'

_Until there was nothing left for him to grasp onto._

'Where are they?'

_What he didn't know…_

'Don't leave me… alone…'

_What he didn't know was that __**he**__ had left everyone else behind, and not the other way around._

'Stay.'

_And who knew when he would __**ever**__ find his way back to the only place… __**person**__ he had ever thought of as-_

'With me…'

_Home._

A bright light infiltrated the man's eyes as he woke up, the unfamiliar faces and whirls of machines dulling the shock and fear inhabiting his first moments. A tube seemed to be stuck in his throat as he coughed, hacking as the words on the tip of his tongue evaporated and the blurry faces became whole.

His throat became clear of any obstructions a moment later, a cup filled with cool water pushed into his lips as he took large gulps of the refreshing liquid. His throat burned, raw with pain.

The soft mattress beneath him bounced as dark-blue eyes scanned their environment, noting every person in the room and how they stared at him with hopeful faces.

'Who…'

"Mr. Lawliet?" The man before him dressed entirely in white waved a small beam of light in his eyes as he spoke, speaking a name he was quite sure he had never heard before.

'Where… Where…'

"Mr. Lawliet?" There was the name again, thrown his way. "Are you alright, sir?"

"L? C'mon, say something buddy!" The redhead to his right waved his arms in the air, hand clutching some kind of handheld device.

"L?" The blonde clutching the redhead's arm seemed to be on the brink of hyperventilating as another man with platinum-white hair blinked stupidly, staring at him with impenetrable dark eyes. "Aren't you going to say anything?"

And finally, words were spoken.

"Who's… who's _L_?"

Though they were most definitely not the words the other men had been waiting for, he could tell.

Three horrific stares met him head-on as he backed away and laid his head down on the pillow, blue eyes closing on their own accord.

'Should I… be worried?'

Yet before the man could proceed to process such panic, the drugs still pumping into his system took effect, and he fell back asleep, feeling as if were missing… something…

_Important._

* * *

"This place…" L sighed against his friend's flying locks of hair, his warmth infecting every part of his being. "This place feels so familiar to me."

"Hm…"

"Is this… is this where we _started_?"

Light nodded as his scarf blew against his face, not able to discern the look sketched on his former and present lover's face as he buried himself within the crook of his neck.

"… … … I think I remember… a _feeling _from here, at least…"

Grabbing Light a bit tighter to himself before he could say anything else, L fully buried his face into the other's sweet-smelling hair, eyes tearing up from not an actual _memory_, but an emotion long desired.

"Even if I never remember… or can never _be _the same person you want me to be, or used to be, even, will you stay?" Eyes burning with newfound hope and despair, L felt his throat tighten as he fought with himself to say the words he knew both of them needed to hear. "With… with _me_?"

A thin hand crept up his back and clutched at the material of fabric bunched up at his shoulder, completing the embrace on both sides.

"This won't end well." Light's muffled voice echoed from inside the small bridge as sleeve-clad arms tightened around the boy's lithe form, the fleeting smile etched on L's satisfied countenance only widening as the laugh he had loved from the beginning (_whenever that beginning was_) erupted from the boy's lips. "This _never_ seems to end well with us. Either you'll break my heart or I'll break yours. Don't you think this might be God's way of saying this should be the end of the road?"

The sincere smile still hanging on his lips said everything L wanted to say, but he answered Light's question, if only to be… well, polite.

"_No_."

* * *

_(It was the waiting I couldn't stand… was all the pain really worth it?)_

* * *


	5. Looking Back to Go Forward

A/N: OMG, you guys should love me!!! The original ending was only 300 words... I only wanted to expand it a bit, and I kept having to back track... GAH!

But now, I can say I'm satisfied. And that... is awesome. Lol.

So... the movie that everyone kept wondering about... ha ha...

Ever heard of a delightful little diddy called "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"? Yes, no? Then go see it if the answer if negative! GO BUY/RENT IT NOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

*Ahem* Anyway. ^.^ You'll see the references if you see the movie. They are, quite blunt. LOL. I'm not done being hyper now. I need to gooooooo...

Hope you guys enjoy this last chapter/epilogue!

* * *

_I hold it true, whate'er befall;_

_I feel it, when I sorrow most;_

_'Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have loved at all._

_**-Alfred Tennyson**_

* * *

_**Title:**__ Your Eyes, Shining_

_**Five: **__Looking Back to go Forward_

* * *

_(It never felt like more than a dream… compared to our future, our past doesn't seem all that important.)_

* * *

"So, I was thinking the other day…"

"Did you hurt yourself?"

L pouted as he shoved his hands within his jean pockets, the spring weather a grateful change compared to the horrible wintery season that had finally passed, bringing with it the truth hidden behind his emotions along with the beginning of his future.

"Very funny, Light…"

"Well?" Light smiled as he tugged on the frayed edges of his ever-present red scarf, his wooly coat exchanged for a light jacket and thin tee-shirt. "What were you thinking about, Mr. Writer?"

"After… after everything that happened between us that day I visited my grandfather, you've never told me…" Stalling for a moment, L pulled the younger man closer to his person, burying his head against the crook of his neck.

"Hm?" The tanned brunette muttered, dazed by the closure of space.

"You've never told me," L sighed against his lover's neck, brushing back the cinnamon-brown locks with reverent fingers and barely-there caresses, "about… well, _us_. From _before_."

"Well, once upon a time there was this _fabulous _college student who was just oh-so-_awesome_ and he met this lame writer who just happened to be writing his first best-seller-"

"Light." The sharp inclination in L's voice halted the nonsensical brunette's joke in its tracks as blue eyes narrowed without warning.

"Do I honestly need to?" Light murmured against his neck, light hazel eyes dimmed heavily by the sleepiness of his form. "You have me _now_."

"… I would _like it_ if-"

"If we could drop this matter and talk about something else?"

"If," L continued, unperturbed by the sudden disruption on his partner's part, "you would just tell me a tiny bit of what I would like to know."

"You're overwhelming curiosity just couldn't leave well enough alone, could it?" The photographer deadpanned, absently toying with frayed edges of his scarf.

"No. Not really." The writer admitted, delighting in the way his lover's eyes radiated with jovial amusement at his own lackadaisical attitude.

"Let's go home, then. We'll talk there."

And with a silent whoop of internal enthusiasm L grabbed Light's hand and quickly sped up the street towards his apartment, loving the sound of the word 'home' as it escaped Light's lips and what it meant for their relationship.

* * *

_(Little things we thought we could have lived without… it's now we realize just how much of ourselves we had originally given up.)_

* * *

Sitting on the bed, L patiently awaited the return of his paramour's lithe figure as he shed off all excess clothing; one thing about Light that not many people realized was how much time he not only put in with picking out and putting on clothes, but how much time he took in taking them _off _as well.

Not that L saw that as a bad thing.

Most days, he rather enjoyed the show.

Now, however, with his boyfriend all but complacent and willing to speak about a time that seemed to bring great pain to him, L just wished he would hurry the process along and get his behind under the sheets with him in an effort to both coax him into speaking and warm his limbs.

Finally, after nearly an ungodly amount of time (_five minutes_), L perked up at the sight of his pajama-clad lover and patted the spot next to him. The act of silliness was worth the exasperated smile and melodic laughter sent his way.

"Is that spot for me?" Was Light's flirty response before a pale hand reached forward and made a rolling motion, beckoning the younger man to join him before the author _went insane_.

"Light…" No matter how much time passed, Light would never be able to get over the sight of his partner whining like a child, lips downturn in definitive pout. Though the older man would deny doing so, Light enjoyed the view nonetheless. "Will you please come here?"

'You took the _nice_ approach,' the smirking brunette nodded before getting into bed with his enthused lover, 'good choice, L, good choice.'

"Alright, you've got me," the photographer laid his head upon his pillow (as it had been dubbed since he started _really_ sleeping in L's apartment) and smiled in lazy contentment, "what is it you wish to hear?"

"Well…" Now that he had the opportunity to get all the answers he had craved, it was like the questions had committed suicide within his own head. "Uh…"

"_Yes…?_"

"…"

"…"

"… What were we like?" L suddenly careened forward, letting his arms fall over his boyfriend's waist. "Did we fight a lot?"

"Do we fight a lot now?"

The author sputtered at the question, cheeks flushing as he thought about both his and Light's daily spats with each other. "Well, we certainly tend to _disagree_ most days, but I wouldn't label it as _fighting _per se-"

"Well, let me put it this way then," Light interrupted, the reminiscent smile on his face crinkling at the edges, "we certainly had our fair share of… _disagreements _way back when_._ But most of the time, it wasn't anything serious. We just fought for the sake of fighting, really."

A pale hand came up and scratched the back of L's head, the blush set over his cheeks not lessening in the least. "That…"

"Sounds like a lot like now?" Light deadpanned. "Amazing how so much changes so fast, huh?"

"How did we meet?" L prodded, ignoring the cynical taunt and concentrating on his task at hand. "Was it love at first sight? Did we fight? Did you even act the same way as you do now?"

The photographer snorted, eyes dancing with mischief.

"I wouldn't call me barreling into you while you held a burning cup of coffee 'love at first sight'." Light ignored the wide-eyed surprise at such an admission and continued on as if he had said nothing at all. "If anything, I think I annoyed you at first with all my hyperactivity and semi-ADD; and yes, L, I really was the same exact way. As if I could act any other way even if I tried… But… you didn't seem to mind _too _much that I was the way I was, thinking back on it now…"

"You chased after me." L grinned, the hidden message loud and clear to a person who knew their way around Light's ambiguous rhetoric. "_Twice_."

"Yeah." The light-haired man admitted, not finding a reason to lie for once. "I did. But I think you liked the fact that I kept a firm hold on your coattails. Kind of a test of sorts to see if I had it in me to handle a guy like you, if you ask me. And sadly, knowing you, I'm probably right on the money with my ways in thinking."

"I suppose for us, some things never change." The writer smirked, pulling on a lock of perfectly straight auburn-colored hair.

"I always thought that it was funny, though-" A contemplative shroud of bemusement settled over the photographer's face as he pried the pale grip from off of his tawny-brown locks, his lips caught in between a smile and a frown, "the one thing that brought us together when we first met was the one thing that, ultimately, pulled us apart."

Blue eyes gleaming with curiosity widened as the man just across from them fidgeted, most likely thinking of time's past. "Which was?"

Light grinned, a nostalgic sadness lingering in his gaze as he traced the contour of his lover's cheek with one solitary finger.

"Your stubbornness."

* * *

_(So let's lay these nonexistent worries between us… does it even matter what it is we used to feel?)_

* * *

"Did that help any?" The mumbled question was quiet against the soft, sensitive skin of his neck, tingling the area rather spectacularly.

"… … No." L sighed, cradling his head within his hands. "Not one bit. But thank you…"

"It's nothing-"

"No," The writer interrupted his partner before he could brush off the graciousness on his own part, "I can tell even thinking about those times makes you feel miserable, Light. Don't make this a small deal when it isn't. _Thank you_."

Light sighed as L settled into his spot and closed his eyes, proceeding to drift off into his land of dreams even as Light himself felt as if he had somehow jipped his lover out of something; though he couldn't fathom on what. He had not been the cause of his partner's amnesia, but an irrefutable guilt hung over his shoulders. Though he wasn't the cause of the problem at hand, he still held something precious that L wanted-

A remembrance of the person he had been; of the person he, apparently, never wanted to become ever again if it meant losing what he now had.

Refusing to let the man wallow in his own anguish and confusion any longer, Light finally decided to take his own form of action. If he knew L as well as he did, and if Mihael was right in saying what he did to him all those months ago…

'Now, if I was L, where would I keep all of my most sacred belongings…?'

And just like that, it all became so very clear.

'Sacred… I am _such_ an idiot.'

* * *

_(Why search for something you don't want to find if you still get to hold me close?)_

* * *

The next day, the sleep-ridden author was greeted with a cold, Light-less spot in bed and a dark leather-bound journal left in his lover's stead. A little note was taped to the front, the handwriting clearly not his own.

_L,_

_I'm not surprised you still don't remember anything about our time together, even after our little discussion. I was never the one who was all that gifted with words, so it doesn't shock me, really. You, though socially-retarded, are probably the most eloquent person I have ever met._

'Of course, in order to give me a compliment, it must be wrapped within an insult.' L scoffed, shaking his head before going back to the note.

_If anyone could make you remember your own past, it would be you. So, I present to you your journal from our time together! Luckily for you, I know how to pick locks, and that little hidden chest underneath your bed (it's the one place you used to call 'sanctimonious', and quite frankly, I don't want to ever find out why) was pretty easy to open. Once you're done with this, you should take a gander in there, or vice-versa…_

_Even I was surprised by the things I found, truth be told. _

_But, to cut a long note short, here is our time together in your own words. Don't worry, I didn't peak _too_ much. _

_Scout's honor._

_-Light_

L smirked as he thought of Light forcing the padlocked chest beneath his bed open, shaking his head in morbid amusement.

"You were never a scout, Light, you're mother told me…" L muttered to himself, bringing the journal up to his face.

Should he…?

Pushing the journal out of the way, L glanced over at his dresser. There for all the world to see was the now-opened box that had given him so much trouble in the year, papers and tiny objects spilling over its sides.

'_Yes. Yes, you should._'

* * *

_(The past is irreplaceable, but the future-it's still so bright.)_

* * *

Picking through the items, L thought he would feel some flash of recognition strike through him and flood him with… well, _something-_

(_honestly, he didn't know what it was he was expecting, only that that sense of clarity he had been missing would mysteriously pop back up and hit him over the head again_)

That would cancel out all the confusion and well-worn headaches and bring him just a bit of-

(_but was that too much to ask for considering whatever was lying in his past was something that still hurt Light to this day; his Light who despite all misgivings and own fair share of tears was willing to look past all of it and still __**love **__him for not only who he was but who he __**could **__be_)

Peace.

Each piece of paper was nearly as unrecognizable as the last-

(_Dear L, L, To: L_)

And every tear-spotted line and blurred images of ink did nothing to jog anything but more pity on his lover's part-

(_Why won't you write back to me? Was I really worth nothing to you? After everything, don't I deserve an outright rejection instead of… this?_)

And a bit of… rancor on his own-

(_Who are you trying to fool? Yourself? L, no matter how many times you tell yourself something, you know the truth will __**always **__win out!_)

How could he _do _this?

How could he wallow in his own pain without thinking of Light's; what had he been _thinking_?

Glancing back at the journal laying innocently on the dresser behind, L wondered…

* * *

_Clinging to something you can't remember; why can't you cling to me instead?_

* * *

Settling himself by the window farthest from his bed, L carefully pried the journal open and kept his stare directly on his lap, the paper yellowed with age as lines of elegant black ink flowed against its dull plane.

Carefully tracing his own handwriting with his right index finger, L couldn't keep in his gasp as he glanced down at the date; years and years held right in his hand, and by his own account.

'_I suppose writing in one of these is a rather cliché thing for a writer such as myself to indulge himself with, but my thoughts, as chaotic as they are, refuse to settle within my own mind. So, in an effort to calm my own mental settings, I should hope that writing them down should do me a bit of good._'

It was almost like an echo; L could practically _see _himself writing this all down, a small pensive frown adorning his face as he gripped the pen with lanky fingers smudged with black and blue ink.

Skipping over the pages, L skimmed and skimmed and skimmed…

'_Today was drab as always; why is it that mundane seems to capture my attention even more than the extraordinary? My grandfather said my father was the same way-always playing down his greatest accomplishments, yet mulling over the most insignificant of things. Why is that, I wonder?_'

'_My editor called me today. Told me my writing was 'slipping'. What does _she _know?_'

'_Nothing new to report today; perhaps I should look for something to entertain myself. A hobby perhaps?' _

'_This is really starting to get to me… I think I may be going insane! I need something to take my mind off of all this… repetitiveness.'_

'_Oh dear God. I think I may have found my savior out of this monotony.'_

L blinked as he halted in his thoughts, the crisp page filled with hurried penmanship and stumbling blotches of ink sprawled against the page in random intervals.

'_He was… ok, maybe I should start from the beginning, since I realize that just rambling would take away from the significance of this truly remarkable encounter. It all started when I went out this morning for my daily walk. I went to my favorite spot near the park by my apartment and had a sudden hankering for a nice big cup of coffee…_'

L blinked as he caressed the page and let his mind drift off as the words floated around his mind.

He could… almost see it in his mind…

* * *

_(When you find what you are looking for, will you be satisfied?)_

* * *

The young writer yelped as his cup of coffee spilled over the sides and fell all over the sidewalk, though (_thankfully_) nowhere near his person. A bundle of lively energy picked itself up from off the sidewalk and brushed himself off, glancing up at the author with wide cinnamon-brown eyes and a horrified expression set over his visage.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!"

L fumbled with his now-empty cup of coffee as a young brunette with golden-brown eyes held his clutch-case to his person, having just a second before nearly elbowed the older of the two in the face with a sudden spin on his own part. After balancing his coffee cup with one hand and steadying himself with the other, L sighed as he gave the boy a nonchalant glance while curtly nodding.

"I'm so, so sorry, I just didn't see you there! It's like you popped up out of thin air!" Brushing off the awkward joke, L smiled politely to the student, if going by the uniform he was wearing was any indication, and made to walk away and grab himself _another _cup of joe. "Hey! Wait up Mr… Uh… Guy…"

Cringing as the boy grabbed onto his coat sleeve, dark cerulean eyes rolled back to their aggressor. "I just… I feel bad about the coffee. Can I at least make amends by buying you another one and spare myself the feeling of guilt for the rest of the day?"

"I…" Though in the future he would most definitely say otherwise, there had been something in child's gaze that had hypnotized him in that moment, speaking of other worldly things that L could only imagine and inked onto paper with his collection of pens. It was, in other words…

_Magical._

"S-sure." Trying to at least summon up some semblance of a kind smile, L struggled to not laugh as the look on the boy's face brightened considerably and elegant golden fingers grabbed onto his free hand with a tight grip. Not looking the least perturbed the by shocked looks on countless stranger's faces as he pulled on L's arm and rushed them both forward, the boy began to speed-walk to his destination, slightly unmindful of the man striding behind him.

"Great! I know this awesome place just a few blocks away from here! You'll _love_ it! Totally worth the extra five or ten minutes! You're not late, are you? I sure hope not. But their coffee is awesome enough to have life spare you the little bit of extra time! Uh… I'm having a caffeine-gasm just _thinking_ about it!"

In any other case, L would have pulled his hand away and run the other direction to try to get away from this suddenly peppy teenager who seemed to be floating on invisible wings attached to his feet, but he had to say, he was curious.

Light bells of laughter tinkled within the air as L simply followed, knowing this was the beginning of a grand new adventure he would _never _wish to forget.

* * *

_(What we want, it has nothing to do with what we've done.)_

* * *

_Things he couldn't remember before flooded into his subconscious in a string of inevitable encounters and beautiful smiles._

L smiled as he vacantly stared up at the night sky through his window, journal gently falling off of his lap.

_It was almost like a hit over the head. _

He had been right.

_It didn't hurt though._

Some things really _didn't_ changed.

_He wasn't afraid._

But that didn't mean that they _couldn't._

_When Light returned, he would see…_

_Just what it was he couldn't live without._

* * *

(_And even if I never, ever truly remember your face, the emotion is still here inside… along with your eyes, shining with unforgettable grace._)

* * *

_Fin._


	6. Author's Note

**AUTHOR'S NOTE BIATCHES!**

DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION YET?

Goodie. ^.^

Now, there has been some very stringent nastiness going around FFdotnet this past year and it has been, luckily enough, tossed my way before any damage could be done to me. I've spoken about this in plenty of author's notes but I suppose this is the real deal.

I have created a livejournal account (OMG MY SWORN NEMESIS NOOOESSSS!) and have decided to discontinue my FFdotnet account. All of my work will be transferred to my livejournal and future updates shall be continued there once I am settled in and everything has been moved. I will not delete my account but I will also not re-make it should it be deleted by personnel within the website and douches working with them.

Various readers have been reporting stories and authors due to what they feel is 'disturbing' or 'overly mature' content that should not be shared on FFdotnet. I have done my own part to try to stifle down the onslaught of assholes making it harder for the rest of us fanfic writers but I also am not going to let someone demolish my work simply because they do not like it. It's not what I stand for and I am not someone who takes such things lying down peacefully. Please, if you know of such people contact other writers, contact FFdotnet workers via the links provided overhead and don't let such people censor whatever it is they want to based on their own personal opinion and no one else's. Discrimination should never be tolerated, especially when it comes to the basis of stories which don't have to be read if the reader feels they do not want to, whether the content be 'disturbing' or not. :-P

The link to my livejournal is on my profile page. If anything is to happen to said profile page just type 'hari_aisu' in the livejournal search; you'll find me if you look for me. :)

Once again, I thank you guys for all the support you've given me on this site. If you wish to contact me you can still PM me; I will still answer any and all review/messages/emails and my aim is still the same. I hope all of my readers continue to follow me, whether you have a livejournal or not.

So in classic Hari-Aisu flourish-

THANKS YOU GUYS. YOU KNOW MAMA LOVES YOU LOOOOOOOONG TIIIIMMMMEEEEE! XD


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